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Q: What do you get when you cross an Arab with a Mexican?

A: Oil of Ole'

1. 




What is pink and moist and split in the middle?

A grapefruit!

2. 




                           The PC Manifesto V3.0
                                      
                Featuring a PC Primer and Revised PC Lexicon
                                      
                   by Saul Jerushalmy & Rens Zbignieuw X.
                                      
                       (C) 1992 - All Rights Reserved
                                      
   "...In order to forge a cosmic accord of unprecedented unity and
   harmony, The Politically Correct Movement demands that all people,
   regardless of prior social preconditioning must accept the incipient
   world order that will offer unlimited bliss and contentment. Dammit."

                              - Prof. Dr. Skippy "Houng Lau" Whitmore
                                Berkeley CA, 1965


 -------------------------------------------------------------------------


                                  PC PRIMER
 -------------------------------------------------------------------------




 Q:  WHAT IS P.C.?

 PC stands for Politically Correct.  We of the Politically Correct
 philosophy believe in increasing a tolerance for a DIVERSITY of cultures,
 race, gender, ideology and alternate lifestyles.  Politically Correctness
 is the only social and morally acceptable outlook.  Anyone who disagrees
 with this philosophy is bigoted, biased, sexist, and/or closed-minded.

 Q:  WHY SHOULD I BE PC?

 Being PC is fun.  PCism is not just an attitude, it is a way of life!  PC
 offers the satisfaction of knowing that you are undoing the social
 evils of centuries of oppression.

 Q:  I AM A WHITE MALE.  CAN I STILL BE PC?

 Sure.  As a matter of fact, most people at the forefront of the PC grand
 destiny ARE white males.  But remember, as a white male, you must
 constantly feel guilty.

 Q:  WHY?

 If you are a white male, your ancestors were responsible for practically
 every injustice in the world--slavery, war, genocide and plaid sportscoats.
 That means that YOU are partially responsible for these atrocities.  Now
 it is time to balance the scales of justice for the descendants of those
 individuals whose ancestors your ancestors pushed down.

 Q:  HOW?

 It's simple.  You've got to be careful what you say, what you think, and
 what you do.  You just don't want to offend anyone.

 Q:  YOU MEAN I SHOULD GUARD AGAINST OFFENDING ANYONE?

 That's right.  Being offensive is destructive, and will not make the world
 a harmonious utopia, like in John Lennon's IMAGINE.

 Q:  HOW ELSE CAN I BE PC?

 Oh, there are lots of ways.  For example, why buy regular ice cream when you
 can buy "Rain Forest Crunch?"  Segrega..whoops..separate all of your garbage
 into different containers:  glass, metal, white paper, blue paper, plastic,
 etc.  Make sure that all your make-up has not been tested on animals.  Try
 to find at least sixty ways to use your water; when you take a shower, brush
 your teeth at the same time.  Then don't let the water go down the drain,
 use it to irrigate your lawn.  Or better yet, replace your lawn with a
 vegetable garden.  Don't use aerosol.  And by all means, don't burn or deface
 our flag.  Remember, as a citizen of the United States, your living in God's
 country.  If you are fortunate enough to know your ethnic heritage, dress the
 part!  Don't do drugs.  You should listen to at least one of the following PC
 musicians:  U2, REM, Sinead O'Connor, Sting, or k.d. Lang.

 Harass people who wear fur coats.  Remind them that an innocent baby seal was
 mercilessly clubbed.  Or just yell, "FUR."  They hate that.  And don't EVER
 eat meat.

 Q:  DON'T EAT MEAT?  WHY NOT?!

 Cows are animals, just like humans are animals.  That means that they have
 rights.  When you eat meat, you're oppressing animals!

 Q:  SO ALL KILLING IS BAD?

 No, not always.  Sometimes killing can be justified, like in the Persian
 Gulf.  You have to be able to tell when an animal has rights, and when
 it doesn't.

 Q:  HOW DO I KNOW WHEN AN ANIMAL HAS RIGHTS?

 The general rule is as follows:

           IF AN ANIMAL IS RARE, PRETTY, BIG, CUTE, FURRY,
              HUGGABLE, OR LOVABLE, THEN IT HAS RIGHTS.

 Examine the following chart:

       RIGHTS                       NO RIGHTS
      --------                     -----------
       cows                         cockroaches
       cute bunnies                 flies
       dolphins in tuna nets        tuna in tuna nets
       whales                       sharks
       red squirrels                gray squirrels
       owls                         loggers
       harbor seals                 barnacles

 Q:  WOW.  WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO BE PC?

 Hug a tree.  Rejoice each day in our cultural differences, for they are what
 gives flavor to our great country.  Get in touch with your sexual identity.
 Check your refrigerator for freon leaks.  Subscribe to National Geographic.
 Search it for neat non-Western cultural traditions and costumes.  After you
 read it, use the paper as an alternative fuel source. Try to wear clothes
 with Xs on them if they're all natural fibers. Above all, ALWAYS question
 authority!

 Q:  BUT WAIT, I THOUGHT-

 Don't worry, that's not important.

 Q:  WELL, I'M NOT TOO SURE ABOUT THIS.

 If you are feeling unsure about your motivation, just remember.  YOU ARE
 RIGHT.  It's that simple.  You, as a PC social warrior, are right.

 Q:  HOW DO I KNOW IF AN ACTION IS UN-PC?

 Good question.  It's important to know when someone is saying something
 insensitive so that you can have that person removed from society.  The
 guideline is as follows:

      Is the confrontation between two white people?
         Yes -  The liberal is right.
         No  -  The white person is oppressing the ethnic person.

 Remember, many seemingly obvious issues, such as the railroading
 of Mayor Marion Barry, or the Clarence Thomas issue, are really race
 issues.

 Here's a fun practice drill for you:  See how many newspaper articles you can
 make into race bias stories.  It's fun!  Some PCers are so good they can make
 the weather report look like a KKK pamphlet!

 Q:  WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I SEE SOMEONE DO SOMETHING NON-PC?

 It all depends on the situation.  If you are not in a position of authority,
 by all means report this activity immediately to whomever is in charge.  If
 your school leader, employer, or superior is hip to the trend of the 90s,
 she or he will take the necessary steps to have the insensitive offender
 disciplined.

 Q:  BUT ISN'T THAT CENSORSHIP?

 The Constitution never meant for racism, sexism and insensitivity to be
 espoused by anyone.  That's not what free speech is about.  Some call it
 censorship.  PCers call it "selective" speech.  Saying something negative
 about a particular race or gender is just as damaging as, say, punching them
 in the face.  We just can't allow that kind of verbal assault.

 Q:  I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT PC WORDS TO REPLACE "BLACK," "INDIAN." ETC.

 Yes.  That's part of the PC movement.  You see, part of the way we think
 about people comes directly from the words we use to describe them.  Take
 "black" for instance.  Why should a person be judged by the color of their
 skin?

 Q:  YOU MEAN THEY SHOULD RATHER BE JUDGED BY THE CONTENT OF THEIR
CHARACTER?

 No, I mean they should be judged by where their ancestors are from.  If your
 great grandparents are from Africa, or Asia, or wherever, then you should
 be identified by that fact.  You can even apply for special scholarships!


 Q:  I'M A MIXTURE OF FRENCH, GERMAN, ENGLISH, AND RUSSIAN.  CAN I GET ONE?

 No, there are no scholarships for any of those.  Sorry.  If you are a woman,
 however, there should be some.

 Q:  HEY, WOULDN'T A WHITE PERSON FROM LIBYA OR EGYPT TECHNICALLY BE AN
     AFRICAN-AMERICAN?

 Technically, yes.  But that's not the kind of African-American we mean.
 We mean BLACK African-Americans.  Another example:  A white South-African
 U.S. immigrant is not an African-American either.

 Q:  HOW CAN I LEARN TO MAKE MY LANGUAGE MORE POLITICALLY CORRECT?

 For more help, see the PC LEXICON at the end of the handbook.

 Q:  I'D LIKE MY CHILD TO BE PC.  WHAT CAN I DO?

 Well, for one thing, we should forcibly encourage students to volunteer
 their time with philanthropies.  Also, we should re-emphasize non-Western
 perspectives on history.  Finally, we should re-structure tests and quizzes
 to reflect cultural biases.

 Q:  I DON'T GET IT.

 Well, the way the system works now, "select" under-represented minorities
 who tend to do worse on entrance tests have lower standards of admissions
 at school and work and receive preferential treatment.  This is unfair and
 wrong.

 Q:  IT IS?

 Yes.  The truly PC way to do it is to have a different grading scale for
 different groups which gives or subtracts points from the final score,
 depending on who is taking the test.  If you are white, then you have been
 benefited by society during your life.  That means that you lose
 ten to fifteen points to make the test fair to everyone else.

 Q:  I GUESS THAT SOUNDS RIGHT.

 It IS right.  That's the beauty of PC.

 Q:  WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL OF?

 Humor.  PC people take every comment VERY seriously.  We will not accept
 any comment, joke, remark, or anything that sounds like it could be a
 racial or ethnic slur.

 Q:  GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE.

 "What's black and white and red all over?" has been staple humor for
 decades.  Not PC-  It can be taken the wrong way.

 In every day speech, try to use phrases like, "Isn't that the pot calling
 the kettle African-American."  Any racial jokes or jokes even mentioning
 culture or gender should be omitted.  True, this mostly limits comedy to
 the level of sitcoms, but that's a small price to pay for social equality.

 Q:  IS THAT ALL THERE IS TO IT?

 Yes.  The Politically Correct belief is essentially a recognition that
 people are diversely equal.  We rejoice in this equality by treating
 people differently based on their equal individuality.  Hop aboard the
 bandwagon...  Be PC.  Or you're an intolerant, racist, sexist insensitive
 pig.


 -------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                 PC LEXICON
 -------------------------------------------------------------------------

 "Insensitive Term"                         "Preferred Term"
 ------------------                         ----------------

 Black                           -   African-American
                                     (NOTE:  DOES NOT INCLUDE
                                        LIBYANS, EGYPTIANS, WHITE S-AFRICANS.
                                             DOES INCLUDE
                                        PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN REGARDLESS OF
                                        WHERE THEY ARE FROM OR WHERE THEY
                                        LIVE.)

 Oriental                        -   Asian-American
                                     (NOTE:  NOT CONSIDERED "REAL" MINORITIES
                                             SINCE THEY TEND TO DO WELL)

 Indian                          -   Native-American
                                        Indigenous Peoples of N American
                                      Continent
                                     (NOTE:  THE FOLLOWING TEAMS ARE NOT PC:
                                        Atlanta Braves
                                        Cleveland Indians
                                        Kansas City Chiefs
                                        Washington Redskins
                                     AVOID THESE CITIES!!!
                                     And never buy tickets from a "scalper"!)

 Chicano                         -   Hispanic
                                     (NOTE:  THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC:
                                        Cheech and Chong
                                        Chico and the Man episodes
                                        Cisco Kid
                                        Rosarita Salsa
                                        Speedy Gonzales
                                      BOYCOTT THEM!!)

 White Trash                     -   PC Unaware
                                     Rustically Inclined

 WASP (white male)               -   Insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO)

 Sex                             -   Gender  (PCers don't like the word
                                     "sex" as it has confusing connotations)

 Woman                           -   Womyn, Vaginal-American

 Girl                            -   Pre-Womyn

 Housewife                       -   Domestic Engineer

 Fireman                         -   Firefighter

 Stewardess                      -   Flight Attendant

 Meter Maid                      -   Parking Enforcement Aduciator

 Post Man                        -   Post Person

 Mail Man                        -   Person Person

 Policeman (cop, pig)            -   Law Enforcement Officer
                                     Baton Boy
                                     Cal. Clubber

 Prostitute                      -   Sex Surrogate
                                     (Teen Victim.  See:  Broken Home)

 MANkind, HuMAN, PerSON          -   Earth Children

 Handicapped                     -   Differently Abled
                                     Handi-Capable
                                     (Blind  -  Optically Darker
                                                Photonically Non-receptive
                                      Deaf   -  Visually Oriented)

 Poor                            -   Economically Unprepared

 Bum                             -   Homeless Person
                                     Displaced Homeowner
                                     Philosophy Major

 Hunter                          -   Animal Assassin
                                     Meat Mercenary
                                     Bambi Butcher

 Commercial Fisherman            -   Flipper Whipper

 Whaler                          -   Blubber Lover

 Old Person / Elderly            -   Senior Citizens
                                     4th-Dimentionally Extended
                                     Gerontologically Advanced

 Conservative                    -   Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig

 Drug Addict                     -   Chemically Challenged

 Bald                            -   Comb-Free

 Vegetable                       -   Noble Unconscious Hero

 Bisexual                        -   Sexually Non-preferential

 Midget, Dwarf                   -   Little People
                                     Vertically Challenged

 Insane People                   -   Selectively Perceptive
                                     Mental Explorers

 Tree-Hugger                     -   Environmental Activist

 Logger                          -   Wood Weasel
                                     Paper Pirate
                                     Treeslayer

 Obese/Fat                       -   Differently Weighted
                                 -   People of Mass
                                 -   Gravitationally Challenged

 Corpse/Stiff/Etc.                -   Victim of GlosBiDS
                                      (Global Systematic Biological
                                      Dysfunction Syndrome)

 Far East                        -   Asia

 Censorship                      -   Selective Speech

 B.C.                            -   B.C.E.

 Older Students                  -   Non-Traditional
                                     New-Traditional

 Learning Disability             -   Self-Paced Cognitive Ability

 Used Books                      -   Recycled Books

 Berkeley                        -   Mecca

 Broken Home                     -   Dysfunctional Family

 HouseBroken                     -   Family Dysfunction

 Mercy Killing                   -   Euthanasia
                                     Putting.. Down/to Sleep/Out of Misery

 Insult                          -   Emotional Rape

 Cattle Ranch                    -   Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC)
                                     "Moo-shwitz"

 Senile Bag o' Bones             -   Alzheimer's Victim

 Ghetto/Barrio                   -   (EHA) Ethnically Homogeneous Area
                                     Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana

 Hamburger                       -   Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF)

 Cheeseburger                    -   Adding Insult to Injury

 Gang                            -   Youth Group

 Pimp-mobile, Low-rider          -   Culturally Responsive Transportation
 Option

 Drunk/Trashed                   -   Spatially Perplexed

 Slum                            -   (EOZ) Economic Oppression Zone

 China                           -   Porcelain

 Delicatessen                    -   Corpse Farm
                                     Charnel House

 SOCIALLY INTOLERABLE WORDS (SIWs)
 ---------------------------------

 These are some, but unfortunately not all, words that are used to describe
 people.  Remember, there are much more eloquent PC ways to say the same thing
 (and mean the same thing) without offending any of Earth's Children.

 DO NOT USE THESE WORDS.
 (except when telling other people not to use them)

 IF YOU HEAR ANYONE USE THESE WORDS, REGARDLESS OF CONTEXT, RESPOND
 IMMEDIATELY:

 "Alky, Babe, Beaner, Belgian-Bastard, Betty, Bimbo, Bitch, Blonde, Broad,
  Bum, Canuck, Chick, Chink, Coolie, Coon, Commie, Crip, Dego, Dike,
  Dot-head, Druggie, Fag, Fairy, Four-Eyes, Fudgepacker, Greaser, Hebe,
  Hippie, Honky, Hooknose, Indian, Injun, Jap, JAP, Jesus-Freak, Kike,
  Kraut, Lez, Lush, Nazi, Nigger, Nudnick, Pinko, Pollock, Raghead, Redneck,
  Redskin, Retard, Ruskie, Sambo, Skirt, Spic, Spook, Tart, Toots, Uncle Tom,
  Wetback, Whore, White-Trash, Wop, Vegetable"

 READING THIS LIST MADE YOUR SKIN TINGLE WITH REVULSION, DIDN'T IT?
 IT BETTER HAVE.

 THE ABOVE ARE FULSOME TERMS.  PC DOCTRINE STATES THAT ALL REFERENCES
 TO THESE WORDS BE DELETED FROM EXTANT PRINTED MATERIAL AND CONVERSATION.

   


3. 




                  Trial Of The Century Transcript Reveals
                                      
                           Objectionable Methods
                                      
                   By Dave Barry, Sunday, March 19, 1995
     
   
TRANSCRIPT, TRIAL OF THE CENTURY, DAY 257

BAILIFF:  Hear ye, hear ye, the court is now in sess...

DEFENSE:  Objection, your honor.

JUDGE:  To what?

DEFENSE:  Nothing, your honor.  We're just warming up.

PROSECUTION:  Your honor, the people would like to state that we also
  have no objections at this time.

DEFENSE:  Objection, your honor.  Every time the defense says some-
  thing, the prosecution always feels it has to say something.

PROSECUTION:  The people do not.

DEFENSE:  Do too.

PROSECUTION:  Do not.

DEFENSE:  Do too.

DEFENDANT:  OK, stop, I confess!  I'm guilty!

JUDGE (sternly):  Order in the court!  (To prosecution):  Proceed.

PROSECUTION:  Where were we?

JUDGE (checking his notes):  You were on "Do not."

PROSECUTION:  Oh, right, thanks.  Do not.

DEFENSE:  Your honor, the prosecution is clearly jealous of the
  defense because we have a lot of marquee legal talent such as F.
  Lee Bailey and the late Raymond Burr.

PROSECUTION:  Objection, your honor.  The people have reason to believe
  that that is not really F. Lee Bailey.

   (A murmer runs through the courtroom.)

JUDGE:  Dammit, bailiff!  I ordered the murmers removed from this
  courtroom!

BAILIFF (drawing his gun):  We'll take care of it, sir.

PROSECUTION:  Your honor, if that IS F. Lee Bailey, how come he hardly
  ever SAYS anything?  He just sits there, day after day, not moving.
  The people request permission to stick him with a pin.

JUDGE:  I'll allow it.

F. LEE BAILEY:  sssssssssssss

JUDGE:  Let the record show that "F. Lee Bailey" is actually an inflat-
  able doll wearing a $1,000 suit.

DEFENSE:  Objection, your honor.  That suit cost $1,500.

JUDGE WAPNER:  Do you have a receipt?

DEFENSE:  Objection!  This judge is from a completely different TV
  show!

JUDGE:  I'll sustain the objection.

DEFENSE:  Which one?

JUDGE:  I have no idea.  Let's proceed with the expert witness.

PROSECUTION (to witness):  Please state your name and the size of your
  book advance.

EXPERT WITNESS:  My name is Dr. Pembrick A. Femur, and my advance is
  $350,000.

PROSECUTION:  And who will be playing you in the movie version?

EXPERT WITNESS:  We are thinking Brad Pitt.

DEFENSE:  Objection, your honor.  We were thinking of Brad Pitt to
  play us.

PROSECUTION:  Brad Pitt?  YOU?  Your honor, the people request permis-
  sion to laugh until little snot bubbles form in the people's nostrils.

DEFENSE (sarcastically):  And we suppose the prosecution wishes to be
  played by Demi Moore?

PROSECUTION:  Sharon Stone.

JUDGE:  I'll allow it.  Proceed.

PROSECUTION:  Dr. Femur, you are an expert, are you not?

EXPERT WITNESS:  I am.

PROSECUTION:  And do you think the people's hairstyle looks better this
  way, or the way the people wore it before?

EXPERT WITNESS:  This way.

JUDGE:  What about my beard?

EXPERT WITNESS:  With all due respect, your honor, I have seen more
  impressive facial hair on a coconut.

(Laughter.)

JUDGE (angrily):  Bailiff!  Where is that laughter coming from?

BAILIFF:  From inside a set of parentheses.

JUDGE:  I'll allow it.  Continue.

PROSECUTION:  Dr. Femur, I am handing you Exhibit No. 2038-B.  Can you
  identify this item for the court?

EXPERT WITNESS (examining it):  Yes.  That is a DNA molecule belonging
  to the defendant.

DEFENSE:  Objection!  We can't see the exhibit!

PROSECUTION:  Of COURSE you can't, you idiot.  It's a MOLECULE.

EXPERT WITNESS:  Or a poppy seed.  There's a 73 per cent chance either
  way.

PROSECUTION:  Now Dr. Femur, can you tell the court, in your own expert
  words, what "DNA" stands for?

EXPERT WITNESS:  Yes.

PROSECUTION:  I see.  Now Dr. Femur, could you please tell the jury, as
  an expert, whether the defendant could have left this DNA molecule or
  poppy seed at the scene of the...

EXPERT WITNESS:  Tell WHAT jury?

JUDGE:  Dammit, bailiff!  The jury escaped again!

(Another murmer runs through the court.)

GUN:  BANG!

BAILIFF:  I got the murmer, your honor!

DEFENSE:  Objection!  The bailiff shot a reporter for The National
  Enquirer.

JUDGE:  I'll allow it.

PROSECUTION:  Your honor, while we're waiting for the authorities to
  track the jury down, the people request your honor's permission to ask
  the witness approximately 850 unbelievably redundant questions.

JUDGE:  Of course.

DEFENSE:  Objection, your honor.  As counsel for the defendant, we
  cannot...

JUDGE:  Hey!  Where's the defendant?
  


4. 




Why do elephants live in herds?
To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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