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Q: What do you get when you cross an Arab with a Mexican?
A: Oil of Ole'
What is pink and moist and split in the middle?
The PC Manifesto V3.0
Featuring a PC Primer and Revised PC Lexicon
by Saul Jerushalmy & Rens Zbignieuw X.
(C) 1992 - All Rights Reserved
"...In order to forge a cosmic accord of unprecedented unity and
harmony, The Politically Correct Movement demands that all people,
regardless of prior social preconditioning must accept the incipient
world order that will offer unlimited bliss and contentment. Dammit."
- Prof. Dr. Skippy "Houng Lau" Whitmore
Berkeley CA, 1965
Q: WHAT IS P.C.?
PC stands for Politically Correct. We of the Politically Correct
philosophy believe in increasing a tolerance for a DIVERSITY of cultures,
race, gender, ideology and alternate lifestyles. Politically Correctness
is the only social and morally acceptable outlook. Anyone who disagrees
with this philosophy is bigoted, biased, sexist, and/or closed-minded.
Q: WHY SHOULD I BE PC?
Being PC is fun. PCism is not just an attitude, it is a way of life! PC
offers the satisfaction of knowing that you are undoing the social
evils of centuries of oppression.
Q: I AM A WHITE MALE. CAN I STILL BE PC?
Sure. As a matter of fact, most people at the forefront of the PC grand
destiny ARE white males. But remember, as a white male, you must
constantly feel guilty.
If you are a white male, your ancestors were responsible for practically
every injustice in the world--slavery, war, genocide and plaid sportscoats.
That means that YOU are partially responsible for these atrocities. Now
it is time to balance the scales of justice for the descendants of those
individuals whose ancestors your ancestors pushed down.
It's simple. You've got to be careful what you say, what you think, and
what you do. You just don't want to offend anyone.
Q: YOU MEAN I SHOULD GUARD AGAINST OFFENDING ANYONE?
That's right. Being offensive is destructive, and will not make the world
a harmonious utopia, like in John Lennon's IMAGINE.
Q: HOW ELSE CAN I BE PC?
Oh, there are lots of ways. For example, why buy regular ice cream when you
can buy "Rain Forest Crunch?" Segrega..whoops..separate all of your garbage
into different containers: glass, metal, white paper, blue paper, plastic,
etc. Make sure that all your make-up has not been tested on animals. Try
to find at least sixty ways to use your water; when you take a shower, brush
your teeth at the same time. Then don't let the water go down the drain,
use it to irrigate your lawn. Or better yet, replace your lawn with a
vegetable garden. Don't use aerosol. And by all means, don't burn or deface
our flag. Remember, as a citizen of the United States, your living in God's
country. If you are fortunate enough to know your ethnic heritage, dress the
part! Don't do drugs. You should listen to at least one of the following PC
musicians: U2, REM, Sinead O'Connor, Sting, or k.d. Lang.
Harass people who wear fur coats. Remind them that an innocent baby seal was
mercilessly clubbed. Or just yell, "FUR." They hate that. And don't EVER
Q: DON'T EAT MEAT? WHY NOT?!
Cows are animals, just like humans are animals. That means that they have
rights. When you eat meat, you're oppressing animals!
Q: SO ALL KILLING IS BAD?
No, not always. Sometimes killing can be justified, like in the Persian
Gulf. You have to be able to tell when an animal has rights, and when
Q: HOW DO I KNOW WHEN AN ANIMAL HAS RIGHTS?
The general rule is as follows:
IF AN ANIMAL IS RARE, PRETTY, BIG, CUTE, FURRY,
HUGGABLE, OR LOVABLE, THEN IT HAS RIGHTS.
Examine the following chart:
RIGHTS NO RIGHTS
cute bunnies flies
dolphins in tuna nets tuna in tuna nets
red squirrels gray squirrels
harbor seals barnacles
Q: WOW. WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO BE PC?
Hug a tree. Rejoice each day in our cultural differences, for they are what
gives flavor to our great country. Get in touch with your sexual identity.
Check your refrigerator for freon leaks. Subscribe to National Geographic.
Search it for neat non-Western cultural traditions and costumes. After you
read it, use the paper as an alternative fuel source. Try to wear clothes
with Xs on them if they're all natural fibers. Above all, ALWAYS question
Q: BUT WAIT, I THOUGHT-
Don't worry, that's not important.
Q: WELL, I'M NOT TOO SURE ABOUT THIS.
If you are feeling unsure about your motivation, just remember. YOU ARE
RIGHT. It's that simple. You, as a PC social warrior, are right.
Q: HOW DO I KNOW IF AN ACTION IS UN-PC?
Good question. It's important to know when someone is saying something
insensitive so that you can have that person removed from society. The
guideline is as follows:
Is the confrontation between two white people?
Yes - The liberal is right.
No - The white person is oppressing the ethnic person.
Remember, many seemingly obvious issues, such as the railroading
of Mayor Marion Barry, or the Clarence Thomas issue, are really race
Here's a fun practice drill for you: See how many newspaper articles you can
make into race bias stories. It's fun! Some PCers are so good they can make
the weather report look like a KKK pamphlet!
Q: WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I SEE SOMEONE DO SOMETHING NON-PC?
It all depends on the situation. If you are not in a position of authority,
by all means report this activity immediately to whomever is in charge. If
your school leader, employer, or superior is hip to the trend of the 90s,
she or he will take the necessary steps to have the insensitive offender
Q: BUT ISN'T THAT CENSORSHIP?
The Constitution never meant for racism, sexism and insensitivity to be
espoused by anyone. That's not what free speech is about. Some call it
censorship. PCers call it "selective" speech. Saying something negative
about a particular race or gender is just as damaging as, say, punching them
in the face. We just can't allow that kind of verbal assault.
Q: I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT PC WORDS TO REPLACE "BLACK," "INDIAN." ETC.
Yes. That's part of the PC movement. You see, part of the way we think
about people comes directly from the words we use to describe them. Take
"black" for instance. Why should a person be judged by the color of their
Q: YOU MEAN THEY SHOULD RATHER BE JUDGED BY THE CONTENT OF THEIR
No, I mean they should be judged by where their ancestors are from. If your
great grandparents are from Africa, or Asia, or wherever, then you should
be identified by that fact. You can even apply for special scholarships!
Q: I'M A MIXTURE OF FRENCH, GERMAN, ENGLISH, AND RUSSIAN. CAN I GET ONE?
No, there are no scholarships for any of those. Sorry. If you are a woman,
however, there should be some.
Q: HEY, WOULDN'T A WHITE PERSON FROM LIBYA OR EGYPT TECHNICALLY BE AN
Technically, yes. But that's not the kind of African-American we mean.
We mean BLACK African-Americans. Another example: A white South-African
U.S. immigrant is not an African-American either.
Q: HOW CAN I LEARN TO MAKE MY LANGUAGE MORE POLITICALLY CORRECT?
For more help, see the PC LEXICON at the end of the handbook.
Q: I'D LIKE MY CHILD TO BE PC. WHAT CAN I DO?
Well, for one thing, we should forcibly encourage students to volunteer
their time with philanthropies. Also, we should re-emphasize non-Western
perspectives on history. Finally, we should re-structure tests and quizzes
to reflect cultural biases.
Q: I DON'T GET IT.
Well, the way the system works now, "select" under-represented minorities
who tend to do worse on entrance tests have lower standards of admissions
at school and work and receive preferential treatment. This is unfair and
Q: IT IS?
Yes. The truly PC way to do it is to have a different grading scale for
different groups which gives or subtracts points from the final score,
depending on who is taking the test. If you are white, then you have been
benefited by society during your life. That means that you lose
ten to fifteen points to make the test fair to everyone else.
Q: I GUESS THAT SOUNDS RIGHT.
It IS right. That's the beauty of PC.
Q: WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL OF?
Humor. PC people take every comment VERY seriously. We will not accept
any comment, joke, remark, or anything that sounds like it could be a
racial or ethnic slur.
Q: GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE.
"What's black and white and red all over?" has been staple humor for
decades. Not PC- It can be taken the wrong way.
In every day speech, try to use phrases like, "Isn't that the pot calling
the kettle African-American." Any racial jokes or jokes even mentioning
culture or gender should be omitted. True, this mostly limits comedy to
the level of sitcoms, but that's a small price to pay for social equality.
Q: IS THAT ALL THERE IS TO IT?
Yes. The Politically Correct belief is essentially a recognition that
people are diversely equal. We rejoice in this equality by treating
people differently based on their equal individuality. Hop aboard the
bandwagon... Be PC. Or you're an intolerant, racist, sexist insensitive
"Insensitive Term" "Preferred Term"
Black - African-American
(NOTE: DOES NOT INCLUDE
LIBYANS, EGYPTIANS, WHITE S-AFRICANS.
PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN REGARDLESS OF
WHERE THEY ARE FROM OR WHERE THEY
Oriental - Asian-American
(NOTE: NOT CONSIDERED "REAL" MINORITIES
SINCE THEY TEND TO DO WELL)
Indian - Native-American
Indigenous Peoples of N American
(NOTE: THE FOLLOWING TEAMS ARE NOT PC:
Kansas City Chiefs
AVOID THESE CITIES!!!
And never buy tickets from a "scalper"!)
Chicano - Hispanic
(NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC:
Cheech and Chong
Chico and the Man episodes
White Trash - PC Unaware
WASP (white male) - Insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO)
Sex - Gender (PCers don't like the word
"sex" as it has confusing connotations)
Woman - Womyn, Vaginal-American
Girl - Pre-Womyn
Housewife - Domestic Engineer
Fireman - Firefighter
Stewardess - Flight Attendant
Meter Maid - Parking Enforcement Aduciator
Post Man - Post Person
Mail Man - Person Person
Policeman (cop, pig) - Law Enforcement Officer
Prostitute - Sex Surrogate
(Teen Victim. See: Broken Home)
MANkind, HuMAN, PerSON - Earth Children
Handicapped - Differently Abled
(Blind - Optically Darker
Deaf - Visually Oriented)
Poor - Economically Unprepared
Bum - Homeless Person
Hunter - Animal Assassin
Commercial Fisherman - Flipper Whipper
Whaler - Blubber Lover
Old Person / Elderly - Senior Citizens
Conservative - Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig
Drug Addict - Chemically Challenged
Bald - Comb-Free
Vegetable - Noble Unconscious Hero
Bisexual - Sexually Non-preferential
Midget, Dwarf - Little People
Insane People - Selectively Perceptive
Tree-Hugger - Environmental Activist
Logger - Wood Weasel
Obese/Fat - Differently Weighted
- People of Mass
- Gravitationally Challenged
Corpse/Stiff/Etc. - Victim of GlosBiDS
(Global Systematic Biological
Far East - Asia
Censorship - Selective Speech
B.C. - B.C.E.
Older Students - Non-Traditional
Learning Disability - Self-Paced Cognitive Ability
Used Books - Recycled Books
Berkeley - Mecca
Broken Home - Dysfunctional Family
HouseBroken - Family Dysfunction
Mercy Killing - Euthanasia
Putting.. Down/to Sleep/Out of Misery
Insult - Emotional Rape
Cattle Ranch - Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC)
Senile Bag o' Bones - Alzheimer's Victim
Ghetto/Barrio - (EHA) Ethnically Homogeneous Area
Hamburger - Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF)
Cheeseburger - Adding Insult to Injury
Gang - Youth Group
Pimp-mobile, Low-rider - Culturally Responsive Transportation
Drunk/Trashed - Spatially Perplexed
Slum - (EOZ) Economic Oppression Zone
China - Porcelain
Delicatessen - Corpse Farm
SOCIALLY INTOLERABLE WORDS (SIWs)
These are some, but unfortunately not all, words that are used to describe
people. Remember, there are much more eloquent PC ways to say the same thing
(and mean the same thing) without offending any of Earth's Children.
DO NOT USE THESE WORDS.
(except when telling other people not to use them)
IF YOU HEAR ANYONE USE THESE WORDS, REGARDLESS OF CONTEXT, RESPOND
"Alky, Babe, Beaner, Belgian-Bastard, Betty, Bimbo, Bitch, Blonde, Broad,
Bum, Canuck, Chick, Chink, Coolie, Coon, Commie, Crip, Dego, Dike,
Dot-head, Druggie, Fag, Fairy, Four-Eyes, Fudgepacker, Greaser, Hebe,
Hippie, Honky, Hooknose, Indian, Injun, Jap, JAP, Jesus-Freak, Kike,
Kraut, Lez, Lush, Nazi, Nigger, Nudnick, Pinko, Pollock, Raghead, Redneck,
Redskin, Retard, Ruskie, Sambo, Skirt, Spic, Spook, Tart, Toots, Uncle Tom,
Wetback, Whore, White-Trash, Wop, Vegetable"
READING THIS LIST MADE YOUR SKIN TINGLE WITH REVULSION, DIDN'T IT?
IT BETTER HAVE.
THE ABOVE ARE FULSOME TERMS. PC DOCTRINE STATES THAT ALL REFERENCES
TO THESE WORDS BE DELETED FROM EXTANT PRINTED MATERIAL AND CONVERSATION.
Trial Of The Century Transcript Reveals
By Dave Barry, Sunday, March 19, 1995
TRANSCRIPT, TRIAL OF THE CENTURY, DAY 257
BAILIFF: Hear ye, hear ye, the court is now in sess...
DEFENSE: Objection, your honor.
JUDGE: To what?
DEFENSE: Nothing, your honor. We're just warming up.
PROSECUTION: Your honor, the people would like to state that we also
have no objections at this time.
DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. Every time the defense says some-
thing, the prosecution always feels it has to say something.
PROSECUTION: The people do not.
DEFENSE: Do too.
PROSECUTION: Do not.
DEFENSE: Do too.
DEFENDANT: OK, stop, I confess! I'm guilty!
JUDGE (sternly): Order in the court! (To prosecution): Proceed.
PROSECUTION: Where were we?
JUDGE (checking his notes): You were on "Do not."
PROSECUTION: Oh, right, thanks. Do not.
DEFENSE: Your honor, the prosecution is clearly jealous of the
defense because we have a lot of marquee legal talent such as F.
Lee Bailey and the late Raymond Burr.
PROSECUTION: Objection, your honor. The people have reason to believe
that that is not really F. Lee Bailey.
(A murmer runs through the courtroom.)
JUDGE: Dammit, bailiff! I ordered the murmers removed from this
BAILIFF (drawing his gun): We'll take care of it, sir.
PROSECUTION: Your honor, if that IS F. Lee Bailey, how come he hardly
ever SAYS anything? He just sits there, day after day, not moving.
The people request permission to stick him with a pin.
JUDGE: I'll allow it.
F. LEE BAILEY: sssssssssssss
JUDGE: Let the record show that "F. Lee Bailey" is actually an inflat-
able doll wearing a $1,000 suit.
DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. That suit cost $1,500.
JUDGE WAPNER: Do you have a receipt?
DEFENSE: Objection! This judge is from a completely different TV
JUDGE: I'll sustain the objection.
DEFENSE: Which one?
JUDGE: I have no idea. Let's proceed with the expert witness.
PROSECUTION (to witness): Please state your name and the size of your
EXPERT WITNESS: My name is Dr. Pembrick A. Femur, and my advance is
PROSECUTION: And who will be playing you in the movie version?
EXPERT WITNESS: We are thinking Brad Pitt.
DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. We were thinking of Brad Pitt to
PROSECUTION: Brad Pitt? YOU? Your honor, the people request permis-
sion to laugh until little snot bubbles form in the people's nostrils.
DEFENSE (sarcastically): And we suppose the prosecution wishes to be
played by Demi Moore?
PROSECUTION: Sharon Stone.
JUDGE: I'll allow it. Proceed.
PROSECUTION: Dr. Femur, you are an expert, are you not?
EXPERT WITNESS: I am.
PROSECUTION: And do you think the people's hairstyle looks better this
way, or the way the people wore it before?
EXPERT WITNESS: This way.
JUDGE: What about my beard?
EXPERT WITNESS: With all due respect, your honor, I have seen more
impressive facial hair on a coconut.
JUDGE (angrily): Bailiff! Where is that laughter coming from?
BAILIFF: From inside a set of parentheses.
JUDGE: I'll allow it. Continue.
PROSECUTION: Dr. Femur, I am handing you Exhibit No. 2038-B. Can you
identify this item for the court?
EXPERT WITNESS (examining it): Yes. That is a DNA molecule belonging
to the defendant.
DEFENSE: Objection! We can't see the exhibit!
PROSECUTION: Of COURSE you can't, you idiot. It's a MOLECULE.
EXPERT WITNESS: Or a poppy seed. There's a 73 per cent chance either
PROSECUTION: Now Dr. Femur, can you tell the court, in your own expert
words, what "DNA" stands for?
EXPERT WITNESS: Yes.
PROSECUTION: I see. Now Dr. Femur, could you please tell the jury, as
an expert, whether the defendant could have left this DNA molecule or
poppy seed at the scene of the...
EXPERT WITNESS: Tell WHAT jury?
JUDGE: Dammit, bailiff! The jury escaped again!
(Another murmer runs through the court.)
BAILIFF: I got the murmer, your honor!
DEFENSE: Objection! The bailiff shot a reporter for The National
JUDGE: I'll allow it.
PROSECUTION: Your honor, while we're waiting for the authorities to
track the jury down, the people request your honor's permission to ask
the witness approximately 850 unbelievably redundant questions.
JUDGE: Of course.
DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. As counsel for the defendant, we
JUDGE: Hey! Where's the defendant?
Why do elephants live in herds?
To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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