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Today's jokes [12.15.10]

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A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students to sketch a 
naked man. As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches 
he noticed that a sexy young coed had sketched the man with an erect 
penis. The professor commented, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way." She 
replied, "What other way?"

1. 




What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?

The older they get the easier they are to pick up. 

2. 




Diary Entries

AUG. 12   Moved to our new home in Ohio.  It is so beautiful here.  The
hills are so majestic.  I can hardly wait to see them with snow covering
them.  I love it here.

OCT. 14   Ohio is the most beautiful place on Earth.  The leaves are turned
all the colors and shades of red and orange.  Went for a ride through the
beautiful hills and saw some deer.  They are so graceful, certainly they
are the most wonderful animal on Earth.  This must be paradise.  I love it
here.

NOV. 11   Deer season will start soon.  I can't imagine anyone wanting to
kill such a gorgeous creature.  Hope it will snow soon,  I love it here.

DEC. 2  It snowed last night.  Woke up to find everything blanketed in
white.  It looks like a postcard.  We went outside and cleaned the snow off
the steps and shoveled the driveway.  We had a snowball fight (I won), and
when the snowplow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again.  What a
beautiful place.  I love Ohio. 

DEC. 12  More snow last night.  I love it.  The snowplow did his trick
again to the driveway.  I love it here.

DEC. 19  More snow last night.  Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to
work.  I am exhausted from shoveling.  Fucking snowplow.

DEC. 22  More of that white shit fell last night.  I've got blisters on my
hands from shoveling.  I think the snowplow hides around the corner and
waits till I'm done shoveling.  Asshole.

DEC. 25  Merry Fucking Christmas!  More friggen snow.  If I ever get my
hands on that sonofabitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll kill the
bastard.  Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the
fucking ice.

DEC. 27  More of that White Shit last night.  Been inside for 3 days except
for shoveling out the driveway after that snowplow goes through every time.
 Can't go anywhere, cars stuck in a mountain of that White Shit.  The
weatherman says to expect another 10" of the shit again tonight.  Do you
know how many shovels full 10" of snow is?

DEC. 28  The fucking weatherman was Wrong.  We got 34" of that white shit
this time.  At this rate it won't melt before the middle of next summer. 
The snowplow got stuck up the road and that bastard came to the door and
asked to borrow my shovel.  After I told him I had broken six shovels
already shovelling the white shit he pushed into my driveway, I broke my
last one right over his Fuckin' Head!

JAN. 4  Finally got out of the house today.  Went to the store to get food
and on the way back damned deer ran out in front of the car and I hit it. 
Did about $3000.00 worth of damage to the car.  Those fucking beasts should
be killed.  Wished the hunters had got them all last November.

MAY 3  Took the car to the garage in town.  Would you believe the
motherfucker is rusting out from all the goddamn salt they put on the
roads?

MAY 10  Moved to Florida.  I can't imagine anyone in their right mind
wanting to live in the God-forsaken state of Ohio.

3. 




They had a 'witchy' old lady next door that was constantly complaining
about everything and everyone in the neighborhood.  After one really good
round about kids and pets messing up her spotless front yard, my buddies
planned what turned out to be a better joke than they originally thought.
Juvenile as we all were, they planned to write some dirty words in her
meticulously-groomed front lawn with some kind of powder that would stand
out.  The only thing they could find was some Ortho Super-Gro Lawn Food
(white powdery stuff).  They wrote the message in the dead of night, and
next morning it was bold and white for the world to see.
The 'kicker' came after.  She came out, saw the graffiti, and immediately
grabbed a hose and WATERED IT OFF!

To this day, those sections of grass are just a little bit greener than
everything around them, and the words can STILL be read!



This reminds me of a story that a former roommate related to me.  In college
he and a group of friends got revenge on complete strangers.  ....Well, let
me set up the situation.

Y'know how sometimes you gotta park real far away from your destination
because certain types of people like to take up two parking spaces...?
Well, he and his friends got a little ticked about this, especially during
weekends at the school.  One day, they decided to get even with every
\verb+"#@@#\$#@$&&"+ that took up "their" space.  They turned the car sideways.
As he said, "He wanted that space so bad, now he can have it for a loooong
time!"



4. 




Q. How can you tell if someone is half Catholic and half Jewish?
A. When he goes to confession, he takes a lawyer with him.


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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