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Today's jokes [12.13.10]

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Two men are meeting on the street.
"It was very cold this morning."
"How cold was it?"
I do not no exactly, but I saw a lawyer
with his hands in his own pockets."

1. 




What's the difference between Love, True Love and showing off? 

     Spit, swallow and gargle. 

2. 




The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking
round his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed
with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of
cigarettes. 
One of the old villagers came up to him and said.
"Good morning Vicar, how be you and the wife?" 
The Vicar said, "Good morning my man, I am fine, the
wife is fine also as I left her in bed smoking." 
The villager said, "Arr, Vicar, that's the way to fuck 'em!" 

3. 




"Do you have any batteries?" a woman asks the hardware store clerk.
   "Yes, m'am." The clerk gestures with his finger. "Can you come this
   way?"
   "If I could come that way," the woman says, "I wouldn't need the
   batteries."


4. 




   This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully
   enjoying himself,
   when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his
   head with a huge
   frying pan.
   Man: "What was that for?"
   Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
   Marylou written on
   it?"
   Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races?
   Marylou was
   the name of one of the horses I bet on."
   The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house.
   Three days later he is
   once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan
   swatting.
   Man: "What the hell was that for this time?"
   Wife: "Your horse called."
   


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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