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Today's jokes [11.30.10]

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Did you hear about the woman who only had two chances to get pregnant?

She blew them both...

1. 




Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction? 

A: A tea bag.

2. 




    The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but
   his law firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. "I'm
   sorry, he's dead," was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist
   who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice,
   so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. The reply: "I used to
   be one of his junior associates, and I just like to hear you say it."


3. 




A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th 
wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife 
"Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me 
that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now
I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful 
experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all 
that away. But,.. I must know, did he have a different father?"
...The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she 
paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
...The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting 
hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks 
"Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?"
...Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she 
tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says "You".

4. 




                      Standardized Guide to the Bases
     
   
Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school?
If so, do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends?
"Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to
second base!"
Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second
base? Tongue kissing?  Up the shirt? Noone was really sure. Also, the
bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a
person to do?
Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to describe
sexual activity.  But let's face it, there are more than four stages in
todays day and age of sex play.  So, in the interests of both bringing
baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance
and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the
Bases.
First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days.

 --First Base-  This was almost always kissing, although one guy
I knew thought it meant holding hands.  Sometimes it was tongue
kissing and sometimes not.

--Second Base-  Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or
outside the clothes genital contact.

--Third Base-  Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your
partner.

--Home Run-  This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in
the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.

Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed
sex drive.  But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter
the equation, such as oral sex?  And what about the exact definitions?
Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without
further ado...

                          Standardized Guide to the Bases!

--On Deck-  Having plans for a date
--Strike-Out-  Duh!!
--Walk-  Kissing
--Bunt-  Masturbation
--Single-  Tongue kissing
--Double-  Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of
  grabbing and feels
--Triple-  Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual
  masturbation
--Inside the park home run-  Oral Sex
--Home Run-  SEX!
--Ground Rule Double-  would have sex, but no condom
--Error-  Condom breaks during sex
--Banned for life for gambling-  sex without condom
--Hall of Fame-  Marriage

       Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to
better explain all the things that can happen now a days.

--Balk-  Premature ejaculation
--Pine Tar- KY jelly
--Relief pitcher-  Vibrator
--Rain Delay-  parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
--Box Seats-  Waterbed
--Seventh Inning Stretch-  Unusual positions
--Rookie-  Virgin
--Minor Leagues-  Under 18
--Loaded Bases-  manage a trois
--Grand Slam-  Sex three times in twelve hours
--Foul tip-  VD
--Three up and three down-  impotency

Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast
the old confusion with current clarity.

OLD WAY- we um got to third base i guess and then we um got like
past third base, but not to home plate.  i really like her.
NEW WAY- first, there was a triple, then we got and inside the
park home run, and started thinking, it's hall of fame time.
NEW WAY- So there i was with the bases loaded and nobody out,
when i balked during the seventh inning stretch and i had to call in
a relief pitcher.

Well, there you have it, i hope it has cleared up a lot of
the confusion and helps you out.

I hope that you enjoy this little tarticle on America's favorite pastime!
Douglas K. Blystone
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rule 2.

Section3.

The referee shall have the power to make decisions on any point not
specifically covered in the rules.
  


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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