Today's jokes [11.28.10]
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Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien
Simply send 6 x 10^50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system
at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your
star system at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other
star systems. Within one-tenth of a galactic rotation you will
receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization until entropy
reaches its maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!
Tim Kelly was walking therough a dim passageway when someone
spoke to him. "Good evenin', Kelly," said the muffled
figure. "Don't ye be knowin' your old friend Grogan any more?"
Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages
and adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning
on a crutch.
"Saints!" cried Kelly. "Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did
ye merely jump from the trestle?"
"It could've been both," said Grogan, "considerin' the feel of
it. But the truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphy
himself comes in with a murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand,
and the inconsiderate creature beat the livin' bejazus outa me."
"He did indade," said Kelly. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself,
Grogan? Hadn't ye nothin' in your own hand?"
"Only Mrs. Murphy's ass," said Grogan. "It's a beautiful thing
in itself, but not worth a dom in a fight."
Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers
For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light.
However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric
bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbs
dark suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs
spokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than
that of light, and that dark is faster than light.
The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark.
Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is
less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark
sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking
lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with all
things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they
can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark
sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. lA new candle has a white
wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black,
representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a
pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black
because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle.
Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.
There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all
of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When
the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before
the portable dark sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this
mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark
sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the
solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount of
heat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark is
also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets
slowly darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty
feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to
the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top. The
immense power of dark can be utilized to mans advantage. We can collect
the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through
turbines, which generate electricity and help push it to the ocean where it
may be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get
dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this
problem, and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe travelling in
the same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as not
to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the flow of dark,
they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way.
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to
stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly
open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but
since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the
In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives
much easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember that
it is indeed a dark sucker.
Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
Because women don't get blowjobs while they're driving.
A young kid's in a shipwreck and he winds up stranded on a tropical
island. For twenty years he never sees another human being. Then one day a
beautiful girl with long blond hair, her clothes half-ripped off, washes
up on a piece of driftwood. He explains to her how he existed for twenty
years, digging for clams, and eating fruits and berries. She says, "Well,
what did you do for love?" He says, "Love? What's that?" She says, "I'll
show you." She shows him. Then she shows him again. Then she shows him
one more time. When they're finally done, she says, "Well, how do you like
love?" He says, "It's great. But look what you did to my clam digger."
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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