Today's jokes [11.26.10]
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What's the white stuff you find in the bottom of girls' undies?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish and he will sit
in a boat and drink beer all day.
One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be
judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he
could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and
God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the
only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500
pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and
enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an
eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman,
pretending to be happy.
As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead.
Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with.
When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on,
and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and
scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more
then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding
and figured that as long as they have to be with these women,
they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.
Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking
along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could
have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this
man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel /
centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and
in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with
this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these
Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining.
This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm
dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope
for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem
to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and
murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"
A fellow was following a truck in heavy traffic. Every block or so, when
they were stopped at a stop light, the driver of the truck would jump out
of the cab with a big stick and bang on the side of the cargo bay. He'd
then jump back into the cab in time to drive away when the signal changed.
The first fellow observed this for several miles, until he could stand it
no longer. The next time the truck driver jumped out with the stick, the
first fellow jumped out and ran up to him. "I'm sorry to bother you," he
said, over the din of the banging, "but I am very curious; could you tell
me what you are doing?" Without breaking rhythm, the truck driver replied,
"Sure, Mac. Ya see, this here's a six-ton truck but I've got eight tons of
canaries aboard, so I've gotta keep two ton of them flying all the time so
I don't break an axle".
St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says, "You were
a good woman. I'm giving you a nice halo."
Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and the
Princess has a much bigger halo.
Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, I spent most
of my adult life helping the poor and the sickly. Princess Di did no where
near the amount of charitable work I did. Why does she have a bigger
St. Peter says, "That's not a halo. That's a steering wheel."
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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