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Today's jokes [11.17.10]

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A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a
lumberyard.  One of the blonde men walked in the office and
said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.
He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant
two-by-fours."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go
check."

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said,
"A long time.  We're gonna build a house."

1. 




A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the
blind man and hands him a menu. 
"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the
menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous
customer, I'll smell it and order from there." 
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty
dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to
the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind
man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep
breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and
mashed potatoes." 
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks
towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's
wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind
man eats his meal and leaves. 

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner
mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me?
I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a
dirty fork." 
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to
the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man
says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and
chesse with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief,
the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him
and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes
in he's going to test him. 
The blind man eats and leaves. 

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's
him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary
rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." 
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind
man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. 
"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have
the fork ready for you." 
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and
says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"


2. 




A midget walks into the doctors and says, "Doc, I've got these fucking
itchy balls and I can't do anything to stop 'em itching".
The Doc says, "I can see the problem and I'll fix it for ya"
So the Doc pulls out a pair of scissors and tells the Midget to close his 
eyes. The midget hears snip, snip snip noises for about 5 minutes.
The doc finishes and says, "How's that?"
The midget says, "Fucking brilliant, what did you do?"
The Doc says, "I trimmed back your high boots"


3. 




Why is it estimated that only 99 percent of all people masterbate?

The other 1% were either taking the poll or answering the door!

4. 




A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. 
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on 
the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second 
everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't 
ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap 
would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your 
fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral 
van for the last 25 years.

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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