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Today's jokes [11.1.10]

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An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was
being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand
Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french
fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly
sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a
glass of water, but then came the time when he returned
empty-handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?"
demanded the Grand Emir.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the
wretched Abdul, "white man sit on well."

1. 




APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT
     
NAME:  Greg Bulmash
     
DESIRED POSITION:  Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's 
available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying 
here in the first place.
     
DESIRED SALARY:  $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael 
Ovitz style severance package.  If that's not possible, make an offer 
and we can haggle.
     
EDUCATION:  Yes.
     
LAST POSITION HELD:  Target for middle-management hostility.
     
SALARY:  Less than I'm worth.
     
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen pens and 
post-it notes.
     
REASON FOR LEAVING:  It sucked.
    
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:  Any.
     
PREFERRED HOURS:  1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
     
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they're better suited to a 
more intimate environment.
    
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:  If I had one, would I be here?
    
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:  Of what?
     
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:  I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
     
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:  I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse
Sweepstakes.
     
DO YOU SMOKE?:  Only when set on fire.
     
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:  Living in Bimini with 
a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing 
since sliced bread.  Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
     
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR 
KNOWLEDGE?:  No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
     
SIGN HERE:  Scorpio with Libra rising.


Sent by Alex

2. 




A whole gaggle of Jewish ladies at a party were discussing the problem
of one of their daughters, who looked very much as though she were 
planning to marry a Gentile boy. Everyone was disturbed about it, and I
could not help interrupting.
   "Why not?" said I. "Let her marry a Gentile boy. I'm all in favor of
Jewish girls marrying Gentile boys."
   "Why?" chorused the women.
   And I said, "Because why should the Jewish boys have all the bad
luck?"

3. 




Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. 
When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as 
a trial. After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his 
new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years. I 
wonder how the girls are doing?" 

4. 




A customer was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he noticed a tiny 
little spot on the wall that seemed to be moving. He called it to the 
bartender's attention. He glanced at it and said, "It's a ladybug."
After a moment of stunned silence the customer said, "Good Lord, what 
incredible eyesight you have!"

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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