Today's poems [10.20.10]
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The young things who frequent picture palaces
Have no use for this psycho-analysis.
And although Doctor Freud
Is distinctly annoyed
They cling to their old-fashioned fallacies.
Ode to Spam
by Charlie Johnston
Oh SPAM! Oh SPAM! Gourmet delight!
My food by day, my dreams by night.
To carve, to slice, to dice you up -
pureed in a blender and sipped from a cup.
What shining deity from Olympus knelt
down to the earth and hog butt smelt?
Creating then man's eternal desire
for swine entrails congealed by fire.
On some corporate farm, a pig has died.
Eyes, tongue, and snout end up inside
that cube of SPAM hidden in the can
I now hold in my trembling hand.
More than mere food, SPAM is for me
a hedonistic expression of gluttonous glee.
Mottled with pork fat, the pink cube engrosses.
My mouth takes it in, my intestine disposes.
Long have my arteries clogged to the sound
of sizzling SPAM when there's no one around -
furtively chewing or swallowing whole.
Triple bypass by forty, my medical goal.
Other processed meat products I've tried or declined
Vienna Sausages, Treet, even pig's feet in brine.
Though each may be tasty in different ways,
none matches SPAM for gelatinous glaze.
That glistening pinkness beckons me
with gristle, fat, and BHT.
Oh Spam, my Spam - the taste, the smell -
The sacred meat product from Hormel.
Dirty Old Hag
Here's to Mag that dirty old hag,
That slick and slimy old bitch,
From her nose green matter flows,
And from her toes green maggots grow.
Before I climb those scaly legs
And chew those festered tits,
I'll drink three quarts of drunkard's puke
and die with the drizzled shits.
Here I sit, I'm at a loss
trying to shit out taco sauce.
When it comes, I hope and pray,
I don't blow my ass away.
I'm sure you can imagine
As plain as can be
The place is Piccadilly
The players He and She.
She whispered "will it hurt me?"
"Of course not" answered he
"It's a very simple process,
You can rely on me."
She said "I'm very frightened,
I've not had this before.
My friend has had it five times
And said it can be sore".
Then finally contended
Lay back and relax a bit
Quickly and readily he bent over her
And then he started it.
It was growing rather painful
Tears formed in her eyes
It was hurting quite a bit now
It must have been quite a size.
"Calm yourself" he whispered
His face was filled with a grin
"Try and open a bit wider
So I can get it in".
"It's coming now" he whispered
"I know" she cried in bliss
Feeling it deep within her now
She said "I am glad I am having this".
And with a final effort
She gave a frightened shout
He gripped it in anguish
And quickly pulled it out.
She lay back quite contended
Sighed and gave a smile
She said "I'm glad I came now
You made it worth my while".
Now if you read this carefully
The dentist you will find
Is not what you imagined
It's just your dirty mind!
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