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Today's jokes [10.5.10]

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A furrier from the US goes to Helsinki to buy furs.
He arranges for a hooker to be sent to his room.

When they're done, he said, "I'm afraid my
Finnish isn't too good."

The hooker replied, "Your foreplay ain't all
that hot either."



1. 




   THE SETTING: A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a
   young man.
   
   Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look
   how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two
   hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me
   McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."
   
   Then the old man gestured at the bar.
   
   "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed
   that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me
   own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me
   McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."
   
   Then the old man points out the window.
   
   "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that sretches out as
   far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back.
   I nailed it board by board. But do they call me
   McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."
   
   Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is
   paying attention.
   
   "But ya fuck one goat . . . "
   


2. 




Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married. 

     Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman. 

3. 




   A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he
   could buy him a drink.
   "Why of course," comes the reply.
   The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
   "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
   The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's
   have another round to
   Ireland."
   "Of course," replies the second man.
   Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
   "Dublin," comes the reply.
   "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's
   have another drink to
   Dublin."
   "Of course," replies the second man.
   Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you
   go to?"
   "Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."
   "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's
   and I graduated in '62,
   too!"
   About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
   "What's been going
   on?" he asks the bartender.
   "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk
   again."
   


4. 




The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at 
thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope
out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make
every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope says, "No way.  You can't do that."
The Queen says, "Watch this."
So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes 
crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, 
basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to do?
I never thought she'd be able to do it."
So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says,
"I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just 
now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."
The Queen goes, "No way, it can't be done."
So the Pope headbutts her.

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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