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Today's jokes [10.26.10]

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Why is a joke like pussy?

Neither's any good if you don't get it.

1. 




Two nuns go to a restaurant to have dinner. They notice Rocky
Mountain Oysters on the menu and wondered what that was.
They ask the waiter who replies "Oh Sister, those are nuts." 
She answers "Do you mean like the kind you crack with a rock?"
"No. The kind you rock on a crack." 

2. 




More cool than funny, but... 

racecar <===> racecar 
drawer <===> reward 
repaid <===> diaper 
straw <===> warts 
evian <===> naive [there's a message here, I think!] 
smug <===> gums 
star <===> rats 
step <===> pets 
step on <===> no pets

3. 




   A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and
   while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up
   on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and
   swallows it whole.
   
   The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your
   monkey just did?"
   
   "No. What did that stupid shit do this time?" says the patron.
   
   "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says
   the bartender.
   
   "Yeah, well I hope it kills the fucker because he's been driving me
   nuts" says the patron.
   
   The guy finishes his drink and leaves.
   
   Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and
   the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is
   drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs
   one, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The
   bartender is disgusted.
   
   "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
   
   "What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his ass,
   then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.
   
   "Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate
   that damn cue ball he measures everything first!!!"
   


4. 




   Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that
   an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no
   other animal in the world does this.
   
   Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
   
   "Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
   
   "Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah.
   The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went
   "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK
   OFF!", the dog ate him!"
   


5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD




Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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