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Today's jokes [10.25.10]

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If Sony made toasters...
Their Sony Toastman, which would be barely larger than
the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be
conveniently attached to your belt.

1. 




A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The 
officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if 
she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.
"Yes, please" she replied. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all."

2. 




   A pregnant woman goes to the doctor for results of a test. The doctor
   invites her in to sit down.
   
   "I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious
   problems."
   
   "What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my
   child and I'll love it regardless."
   
   "Well, yes, of course,... but your child has no legs."
   
   "Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless."
   
   "And it hasn't got any arms either."
   
   "What?"
   
   "Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. In
   fact, your child is only a very, very big ear."
   
   "Oh my God! This is terrible! Well, it's my child, and I'll love it.
   I'll learn all the lullabies in the world to sing to it."
   
   "Mrs. Smith, one last thing.... Unfortunately, your child is deaf."
   


3. 




The girl knelt in the confessional and said,
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity.
Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror
and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl,
and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't
a sin... it's simply a mistake."

4. 




A profoundly ugly girl went to the psychiatrist.
"My life is a mess, doctor," she began, "I am so
fucking hideous that no one will associate with
me, touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help?" 

"Why, certainly! Helping people feel much better
about themselves is my area of expertise. I can
start making you feel more confident about your
appearance right here and now." 

"Oh, I am so grateful! What should I do first?"
she asked. 

"First things first. Just walk over to the other
side of the room and lie face down on my couch." 

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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