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Today's jokes [10.23.10]

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   The Pilots One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a
   commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show
   up so they can get under way. The pilot and co pilot finally appear in
   the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the
   center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white
   cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the
   aisle, and the co pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes
   covered with huge sunglasses.
   At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some
   sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start
   spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The
   passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among
   themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for
   reassurance.
   Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin
   panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer
   and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and
   more hysterical.
   Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there
   is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at
   once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is
   airborne.
   Up in the cockpit, the co pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to
   the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going
   to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"


1. 




Q: Why couldn't the blond pass her drivers test? 

A: Every time the car stopped she jumped in the backseat. 

2. 




An anxious woman goes to her doctor.  "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can
you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"

"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"



3. 




It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the
   zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,
   sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in
   front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on
   the bars, holding on w/one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding
   his chest w/the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady
   in the sheer dress.
   
   The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the
   poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and
   flirt w/the ape.
   
   She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that
   would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her
   straps fall; she does, and the gorilla is so excited, he's just about
   to tear the bars down.
   
   The husband then suggests that the wife lift her dress up above the
   thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
   
   Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the
   door to the cage, slings her in w/the gorilla and says, "Now, tell him
   you have a headache."


4. 




A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and 
announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas 
baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.
"WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.
Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender
recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby 
that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh 
now?" 
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some 
weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty 
pounds, didn't he? What happened?
The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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