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Today's jokes [10.22.10]

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How does a man know when his wife is losing interest?

When her favorite sexual position is "next door"

1. 




                                 Bonkistry
     
   
Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years
by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known
as "Bonkistry."  He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past
him to come up with something like this.  Anyway, one year there were
these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all
of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the
final they had a solid A.

These two friends were so confident going into the final that the
weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday),
they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there.
So they did this and had a great time.  However, with their hangovers
and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to
Duke until early monday morning.  Rather than taking the final then,
what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to
him why they missed the final.  They told him that they went up to UVa
for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that
they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and
couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to
campus.  Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up
the final on the following day.  The two guys were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that
Bonk had told them.  He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of
them a test booklet and told them to begin.  They looked at the first
problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was
worth 5 points.  "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy."  They
did that problem and then turned the page.  They were unprepared,
however, for what they saw on the next page.  It said:

        (95 points) Which tire?
  


2. 




They just found out Clinton's been stuffing turf in his underpants.
They're for grass roots support.

3. 




Question: What is 1 + 2 ?

Politician: Well, if you look at the seasonally adjusted figures,
you'll find that it's reasonably in line with government predictions.

Physicist: I won't tell you until you tell me what you want to use it for.

Lawyer: It makes one and a half each.

4. 




    A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a
   gay bar, but he decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink."
   So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him, "What's
   the name of your penis?"
   The guy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
   The gay bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you
   tell me the name of your penis."
   So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a
   beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man to
   left, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX."
   The guy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes
   a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
   A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a
   fruity margarita, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man to his
   right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job
   1", he then ads, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
   Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up
   with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims,
   "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me my beer."
   The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look
   asks, "Why secret?"
   The guy says, "because it's strong enough for a man but made for a
   woman!"


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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