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Today's jokes [10.1.10]

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Here's a sad one...

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle? 

A: A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole. 

1. 




How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time



Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix,
empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe,
humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug,
coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate,
nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply,
accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm,
lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate,
attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend,
coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize,
detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace,
accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead,
borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch,
crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for,
dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine,
cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate,
enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite,
taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on
the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey,
hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if
I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize,
humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free
world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble,
drip, dry, knead, puree, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate,
indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and
worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.




                           How to Satisfy a Man Every Time

Show up naked.



2. 




How did the blond break her leg while raking leaves?


She fell out of the tree



sent by Chris

3. 




A beautiful young woman marries this seventy year old bloke for his money. 
On their wedding night she joyfully jumps into bed and he holds up five 
fingers.
"Oh darling!" she squeals with delight, Does that mean five times?"
"No", says the old fellow, "it means that you can pick one out."

4. 




Virus Alert



There is a very dangerous virus going around and it is propogated through
the email system.  If you get an email message with the subject: "VIRUS
ALERT!" do not open the mail message.  If you do, the virus scrambles
the second half of every text file on your system.

VERY IMPORTANT:  If you do get this virus, the first thing dlkfjaid
dfdjas nairb gfdq40wt yaj  asdfsdg  dluog av da[agj asdfajpg as
dflasidffnm asd difvu asdfa vgoiae  vdsofj we dasdf 9efm sd dag0 g adf
jdl5gkj dkllj djf hsas9kaj kuieh nx3glkj gkdls kd li8siue ghkld hks1
as dg 0vbwe  ads gwefawe ads vewerwe dsf!

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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