Today's jokes [1.29.10]

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An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phoney beard sat 
down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, 
"Going to a party?"
"Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." 
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protested the barkeep.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

                                The Cop Quiz
     
   
                               By -=ShoEboX=-
    (This article originally appeared in Putsch Electronic Magazine.)

        Are you ready to be pulled over?  Are you prepared to hand over
your license and registration in the middle of the night to a prejudiced
pig who doesn't like you or your Dead Kennedys bumper sticker?  Take this
simple quiz and find out!

        Listed below are several questions asked by a cop who has just
pulled you over.  Below the questions are several possible responses.
Choose the best response to each.  Check your answers at the end.

1.  Do you know why I'm pulling you over, son/maam?
    a.  No, sir.
    b.  Because you're lonely?
    c.  To ask me if I have any Grey Poupon?
    d.  Because I ran down that old lady in the wheelchair?
    e.  Because you wanted a donation to your police station?  (Handing him
        a fifty or two)
    f.  Because of the Stealth Bomber I have in tow?
    g.  Because I'm pedaling too fast?
    h.  Because I'm Ice-T?

2.  Can I see your license and registration?
    a.  Yes sir. (handing them over)
    b.  Can I see your high school diploma?  Oh, I forgot...you're a cop.
    c.  Wanna see pictures too?  (pulling a string of family photos out of
        your wallet) Here's my mommy, my daddy, my sister, my friend, my
        dog, my toilet, your mom bent over with a light bulb in her...oh,
        how did THAT picture get in here?
    d.  I don't have a license, and this car is stolen.
    e.  (pull it out and read it to him veeeery slowly, not ever handing
        it to him)

3.  Would you mind stepping out of the car?
    a.  Of course, sir.  (getting out)
    b.  What?  In this weather?
    c.  Are you kidding?  I'm too drunk to stand up!
    d.  First, repeat after me:  "I realize that you are not Rodney King."
    e.  This is a motorcycle, dumbass.

4.  Walk along this line.
    a.  Yes sir.  (walking the line)
    b.  No thanks...I just snorted one.
    c.  Duuuude...which one?  The wavy one, the colorful one, or the one
        in the middle that's laughing at me?
    d.  Are you sure you wouldn't rather I skip merrily in a figure eight?

5.  You call that a straight line?
    a.  Yes, sir.
    b.  Well, officer Pythagoras, the only way YOU could see a straight
        line is by looking at your own brain wave pattern!  (NOTE:  This is
        stolen from Emo Phillips)

6.  Do you want to spend the night in jail?
    a.  No sir.
    b.  What are they serving for dinner?
    c.  That depends.  Are YOU gonna be there, big fella?  (smiling
        seductively)
    d.  Do the cells have ESPN?
    e.  Sure!  I haven't seen your mom in months!

7.  Hey, that's my car!  Don't pee on that!
    a.  Yes, sir (zipping up)
    b.  Yes, sir (turning around and peeing on him)

SCORING
-------
Give yourself 13 points for each time you answered "a".
Give yourself 83 points if you answered "e" for #1.
Give yourself 346 points if you ignored #7 because it isn't going to happen.
Give yourself 8,425 points if you RECOGNIZED answer "b" of #5 from an Emo
        Phillips routine.
Give yourself 24,983 points if you skipped right over this scoring section.

Subtract your score from your score to get the IQ of an average racist LAPD
cop.
  

A blonde named Vikki decides she wants to try horseback 
riding one day. So Vikki mounts the horse, taps its butt, 
and the horse starts to take off at a reasonable speed. She 
is having fun, and decides she wants to go a little faster, 
so she kicks the horses butt, and the horse goes just a 
little faster. All of a sudden Vikki begins to lose her 
grip on the reigns of the horse and she begins to fall off, 
she starts screaming but the horse seemingly unoticing its 
rider continues... Now Vikki is grabbing on the the horses 
mane when she beigns to feel tired and her grip starts to 
fail. The blond lets go of the horses mane, only to get her 
foot caught in the saddle. So now she is riding along, the 
horse unnoticing and Vikki's head is beating against the 
ground over, and over, and over. She almost loses 
conscience when the Wal-Mart manager runs out and turns off 
the horse.

Sent by Marge

I recently tried some of these new 'flavoured' condoms. I bought one of 
each flavour they had, and tried each one in turn every time i got a shag. 
My girlfriend likes to lick each one before i insert it in her, just to 
see what flavour i was wearing.
The first night she said "Mmmmm, Cherry flavour",
The second night she said "Mmmmm, Mint flavour",
The third night she said "Mmmmm, Strawberry flavour",
and so on, until we had reached the final flavour,
and she said "Mmmmm, Cheese flavour"
"Cheese flavour ??" i said "I haven't put one on yet!"

Q: What does a man and a floor have in common?
   A: You lay them right the first time you can walk all over them 
forever!! 

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