Today's stories [9.22.09]
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The British are feeling the pinch in relation to
recent bombings and have raised their security level
from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon though, security
levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even
"A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross"
since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran
out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from
"Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the
British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was
during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that
it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to
"Hide". The only two higher levels in France are
"Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's
white flag factory, effectively paralysing the
country's military capability.
It's not only the English and French that are on a
heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the
alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to
"elaborate military posturing". Two more levels
remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change
The Germans also increased their alert state from
"disdainful arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing
marching songs". They also have two higher levels:
"invade a neighbour" and "lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as
usual and the only threat they worry about is NATO
pulling out of Brussels.
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether
you are qualified to be a professional.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and
close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things
in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the
elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through
the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend... except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.
You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you
did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one
more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across.
Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal
Conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to a Worldwide Consulting Company, around 90% of the
professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers
got several correct answers. The Consulting Company says this conclusively
disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of
Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be
charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public
intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he
decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there
was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he
stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.
Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole
in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just
really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wilmington
Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until
officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's
for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just
working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened
when she approached Davidson. He just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but
do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as
you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said,
"A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?"
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