Today's jokes [9.9.09]

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A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar getting
drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down.
"My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she said.
"What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man, "she told
me that I was too kinky for her, too!"
The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so
much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have
kinky sex.
When they get to the woman's house she turns to the man and says,
"Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable."
She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather dominatrix
outfit.
However, as she is coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on
his coat and walking out the door.
"What happened?" She said, "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?"
He looks at her and says, "Well, I just screwed your dog and shit in
your purse. I'm done." 

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at 
the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a 
replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to 
be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced 
his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the 
best they could do at such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking 
his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to 
the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man 
was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but 
the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by 
the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach 
cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse 
himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing 
through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, 
scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By 
now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so 
disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the 
bathroom. 

He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he 
finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers 
and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into 
Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.

As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard 
her president whisper in a barely audible voice, "sack my 
cook".

And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and 
insane regulations at the department of motor vehiciles, a lady stopped at 
a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection - a 
baseball bat - to the cash register. "Cash or charge," the clerk asked. 
"Cash," she snapped. Then apologizing for her rudeness, she explained, " 
I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehical bureau. I am way past 
sane!!" "Shall I gift -wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or or you 
going back there?"

   Tommy, Johnny and Harry were standing around bullshitting about how
   tough their fathers were.
   
   "My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that!" said young Harry.
   
   "Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men... so lick
   that!" Tommy said.
   
   "That's nothing!" declared little Johnny. "My dad hasn't wiped his ass
   in 10 years... so lick that!"
   

Three guys were sitting in a bar talking.
One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker.

After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is 
my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedez. I 
figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least
like the Mercedez, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last 
anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the 
Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least
like the trip, and she would know that I love her."


The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well 
for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I
figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself."

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