Today's jokes [9.6.09]

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Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a
cork in his ass.  
     
He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"
     
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over 
a lamp.  There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban 
came oozing out.  He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie.  I can grant-um 
you one wish."
     
And I said,  "No shit."  

A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent
a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast.

For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never 
appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him
its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to
wait for the lion.

In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-
curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, 
they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of 
the lion.

"What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?" asked the chief.

"Forget the damn lion!" he howled. "Which one of you idiots let the bull 
loose?"

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women 
were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a 
secret." 

"I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my 
age a secret since I was twenty-one." 

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted. 

"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret 
for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."

The woman  entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her
full lips, she sank  into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.

The handsome  stranger turned, having sensed her approach.

Locking his  steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her,
his experienced gaze  measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft
murmurs of assurance.

He  sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly
released her from  her constraining attire. With a sigh of
surrender, she allowed his foreign  hands to unleash her bare flesh.
He expertly guided her through this tender,  new territory, boldly
taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements 
deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.

Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had
gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy
was within  her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment,
she thought, "It's  too big! - it will never fit!"
Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place  as if it had been made
only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over  her, she met
his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her  eyes.

And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned.
Oh, yes,  this woman would want more. She would want to do it again
and again and  again............


DON'T YOU JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR  SHOES?

The Night Before Christmas, Legally Speaking:

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at 
a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a
general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not
limited to, a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed
by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that
St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus")
would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i.e. the
children, of the aforementioned House  were located in their individual
beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein
vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies,
nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said
dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to
as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts
of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for
a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in
various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the
unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e. the
lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance.

The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the
House to investigate the cause of such disturbance. At that time, the
party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or
disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled
and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8)
reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the
previously referenced Claus. Said Claus was providing specific direction, 
instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8)reindeer and 
specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by 
name:

Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen
(hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further
asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been
involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer
intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several
residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and
noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other
items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or
permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House,
and Claus entered  said House via the chimney. Said Claus was clad in a
red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney,
and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned
packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to
be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and
health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the
minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other
small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said
minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.) Upon
completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew,
rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the
Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately
departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said
House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim:
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.

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