Today's jokes [9.19.09]

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What did the blind man say when he was handed a cheese grater? 

     - "Thats the most violent book I've ever read." 

   Billy-Joe and Betty-Sue get married, and Billy-Joe whisks her away to
   his daddy's hunting cabin in the woods, for a romantic 'nature
   honeymoon'...
   
   He carries her across the threshold, and they get into bed, when
   Betty-Sue whispers in his ear "Billy-Joe, be gentle, I ain never been
   with a man b'fore."
   
   "WHAT???" shouts Billy-Joe, and his little bride softly shakes her
   head...
   
   Billy-Joe jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes, and races out the door,
   into his truck.... down the mountain.... straight to his parents
   house... rushes inside screaming "Hey Daddy!, Paw! Git'up!" .....
   
   His father rushes downstairs and gasps... "Billy-Joe, what'r you doin
   here?"
   
   Billy-Joe, still breathing hard from his mad flight, gasps "Well,
   Betty-Sue an I was in the' cabin, and she toll' me she ain't never
   been with a man' afore.... so's I rushed outta there, an' lit back
   here... quick as I could!"
   
   His father grasps Billy-Joe's shoulder in reassurance, and says "SON,
   Ya done the right thing.... Iffin she ain't good'nuff fer her family,
   she shure as shit ain't good'nuff fer ours!!"
   

There was this boy in high school that was what you would
consider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basement
of his home and one night he came up and said "Dad look
what I made." So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of
soil and instantly grass started to grow.

Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked
his son if he can make something to make his penis grow.

His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then
dad would have to buy him a convertable.

Dad agreed. 

The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his
dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told
him that he had something to show him. They went to the front
yard and the boy saw a cherry red ferrari.

The son looked at his dad and said "I only asked for a convertable."

The dad replied "the convertable is in the garage. The Ferrari is
from your mother." 

   The Hat

   An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat.
   Instead of buying a
   new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the
   vestibule. When he
   got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew
   where he had to sit
   and listen to the entiresermon on "The Ten Commandments." After
   church, the man met
   the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his had vigorously, and
   told him "I want to
   thank you preacher for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal
   a hat and after
   hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it."
   Preacher: "You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your
   mind?"
   Old Man: "No, the one about adultery did.
   As soon as you said that I remember where I left my old hat!"
   

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her 
first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She 
replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will 
childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy 
to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!" 

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