Today's jokes [9.19.09]
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What did the blind man say when he was handed a cheese grater?
- "Thats the most violent book I've ever read."
Billy-Joe and Betty-Sue get married, and Billy-Joe whisks her away to
his daddy's hunting cabin in the woods, for a romantic 'nature
He carries her across the threshold, and they get into bed, when
Betty-Sue whispers in his ear "Billy-Joe, be gentle, I ain never been
with a man b'fore."
"WHAT???" shouts Billy-Joe, and his little bride softly shakes her
Billy-Joe jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes, and races out the door,
into his truck.... down the mountain.... straight to his parents
house... rushes inside screaming "Hey Daddy!, Paw! Git'up!" .....
His father rushes downstairs and gasps... "Billy-Joe, what'r you doin
Billy-Joe, still breathing hard from his mad flight, gasps "Well,
Betty-Sue an I was in the' cabin, and she toll' me she ain't never
been with a man' afore.... so's I rushed outta there, an' lit back
here... quick as I could!"
His father grasps Billy-Joe's shoulder in reassurance, and says "SON,
Ya done the right thing.... Iffin she ain't good'nuff fer her family,
she shure as shit ain't good'nuff fer ours!!"
There was this boy in high school that was what you would
consider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basement
of his home and one night he came up and said "Dad look
what I made." So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of
soil and instantly grass started to grow.
Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked
his son if he can make something to make his penis grow.
His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then
dad would have to buy him a convertable.
The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his
dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told
him that he had something to show him. They went to the front
yard and the boy saw a cherry red ferrari.
The son looked at his dad and said "I only asked for a convertable."
The dad replied "the convertable is in the garage. The Ferrari is
from your mother."
An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat.
Instead of buying a
new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the
vestibule. When he
got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew
where he had to sit
and listen to the entiresermon on "The Ten Commandments." After
church, the man met
the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his had vigorously, and
told him "I want to
thank you preacher for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal
a hat and after
hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it."
Preacher: "You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your
Old Man: "No, the one about adultery did.
As soon as you said that I remember where I left my old hat!"
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her
first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She
replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy
to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"A little more..."
"No. A little more..."
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
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