Today's jokes [9.16.09]

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Did you hear about the tramp who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady,
 - I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself" she replied. 

A blonde and a brunette are living together. The brunette came home from 
work one day and the blonde had a rope around her waist. The brunette 
asked why the rope was around her waist. The blonde said that she was 
trying to commit suicide. The brunette said, "You put it around your 
neck!" The blonde replied, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe!"

How can you identify an blind pirate?

He's the one with patches over both eyes. 

A tourist from the United States of America is at a resturant
in Havana.  He tells the waiter that the USA is the best
country in the world because of the freedoms it has.  He says,
"Take Freedom of Speech for example.  I could stand in front
of the White House in Washington D.C. and yell 'President
Clinton is a bastard!' and nothing would be done to me."  The
Cuban waiter replies, "We have that same freedom in Cuba.  I
could stand in front of El Capital and yell the same thing and
nothing would be done to me too!"

Only in America...

   Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an
   ambulance...
   Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a
   skating rink...
   Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry,
   and a diet coke...
   Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
   pens to the counters...
   Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
   driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
   Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and
   then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
   want to talk to in the first place...
   Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
   packages of eight...
   Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the
   process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning
   "blood-sucking creatures"...

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