Today's jokes [9.15.09]
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A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his
tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that
such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men
were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here
lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the
tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
Damn...did you see the size of that front tooth gap she had? Yeah...I
didn't know wether to smile back or kick a field goal!
What is the first symptom of AIDs?
A hard, deep, pounding sensation in your ass.
Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard,
saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well,
and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and
children. The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to
learn to write, but the bank was happy to do business with him,
even though his signature consisted of two X's.
He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred
to private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with
one staircase going nowhere just for show)...you get the idea.
One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by.
"So vat's the problem?" Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously.
Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. "Perhaps nothing," he
said, "but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks
of yours are all signed with 3 X's, but your signature of record
has just 2."
Greenberg looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry about making
trouble," he said, "but my vife said that since I'm now such a
high class rich guy, I should have a middle name!"
Liz Taylor goes in to see her cosmetic surgeon. "I have met the man of
my dreams, finally, the love of my life !" she announces to the
surgeon, "But I need you to help me with a small problem. This man is
only 18 years old, I am truly head over heels in love with him, and
don't want to disappoint him in any way, so I want you to make my
vagina look like that of an 18 year old."
The surgeon tells Liz of the delicate situations involved with this
operation, but does finally agree to performing the said operation.
"But one thing" Liz says "you have to swear to me that no one knows
about this operation, that no magazines or tabloids hear about it!"
"I swear Liz" the surgeon replies.
The big day arrives, Liz goes under the knife, the operation goes text
book perfect and she is moved to a recovery room. Upon regaining
consciousness, Liz's eyes focus on three huge floral arrangements at
the foot of her bed. As the surgeon enters the room to check on her,
Liz bursts into tears.
"How could you do this to me !!! You swore that not a soul would hear
of this operation!!! "
"Now, now Liz, I didn't tell a soul. The first arrangement is from me.
I've been your friend, as much as your surgeon for the past 10 years,
I just wanted to make you feel good. The second arrangement is from
the anesthesiologist, he's gay, he's one of your biggest fans, and I
thought it was okay, since he's worked side by side with me on your
Liz's eyes gazed over to the third arrangement, pointing her finger
,"And who sent those?"
"Oh yeah" the surgeon replied. "Those are from a guy in the burns
unit, he wanted to thank you for his new ears".
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