Today's jokes [9.15.09]

Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his 
tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that 
such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men 
were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here 
lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the 
tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!" 

Damn...did you see the size of that front tooth gap she had? Yeah...I 
didn't know wether to smile back or kick a field goal!

What is the first symptom of AIDs?

A hard, deep, pounding sensation in your ass. 

Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, 
saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well, 
and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and 
children. The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to 
learn to write, but the bank was happy to do business with him, 
even though his signature consisted of two X's.

He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred 
to private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with 
one staircase going nowhere just for show)...you get the idea. 
One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by.

"So vat's the problem?" Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously.

Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. "Perhaps nothing," he 
said, "but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks 
of yours are all signed with 3 X's, but your signature of record 
has just 2."

Greenberg looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry about making 
trouble," he said, "but my vife said that since I'm now such a 
high class rich guy, I should have a middle name!"

   Liz Taylor goes in to see her cosmetic surgeon. "I have met the man of
   my dreams, finally, the love of my life !" she announces to the
   surgeon, "But I need you to help me with a small problem. This man is
   only 18 years old, I am truly head over heels in love with him, and
   don't want to disappoint him in any way, so I want you to make my
   vagina look like that of an 18 year old."
   
   The surgeon tells Liz of the delicate situations involved with this
   operation, but does finally agree to performing the said operation.
   
   "But one thing" Liz says "you have to swear to me that no one knows
   about this operation, that no magazines or tabloids hear about it!"
   
   "I swear Liz" the surgeon replies.
   
   The big day arrives, Liz goes under the knife, the operation goes text
   book perfect and she is moved to a recovery room. Upon regaining
   consciousness, Liz's eyes focus on three huge floral arrangements at
   the foot of her bed. As the surgeon enters the room to check on her,
   Liz bursts into tears.
   
   "How could you do this to me !!! You swore that not a soul would hear
   of this operation!!! "
   
   "Now, now Liz, I didn't tell a soul. The first arrangement is from me.
   I've been your friend, as much as your surgeon for the past 10 years,
   I just wanted to make you feel good. The second arrangement is from
   the anesthesiologist, he's gay, he's one of your biggest fans, and I
   thought it was okay, since he's worked side by side with me on your
   operation."
   
   Liz's eyes gazed over to the third arrangement, pointing her finger
   ,"And who sent those?"
   
   "Oh yeah" the surgeon replied. "Those are from a guy in the burns
   unit, he wanted to thank you for his new ears".
   

By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.

But wait! Don't forget to read Today's Stories Today's Poems Today's Quotes Today's Funny Pic   September '09 Jokes Issues: S M T W Th F St 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30