Today's jokes [9.13.09]
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Two mountain bred GIs were wandering the streets of calcutta when an old
woman walked by. "Hey, Billy Joe," one said, "I think that's Mother
Teresa." "Your nuts." "I'm telling you."
They approached the woman and one asked, "Are you Mother Teresa?" The old
lady eyed them scornfully. "Fuck off, you goddamn perverts," she hissed,
striding off. "Jeez," Billy Joe said, watching her disappear into the
crowd, "now we'll never know."
A very drunk man in a bar tells the bartender and everyone that is
sitting near him that he can fart out the tune to The Star Spangelled Banner!
Everyone who hears this wants to see him do it. So he tells everyone to
gather around him, then he climbs up on the bar, drops his trousers and
proceeds to take a massive dump on the bar counter. After he
finishes the disgusted bartender says "Why in the hell did you shit on my
bar?" The drunk replies "Even Elvis had to clear his throat!"
Sent by Paul
Q: What two things in the air can get a woman pregnant?
A: Her legs!
Jill, a love-starved spinster, was so desperate that she went to
a local newspaper office and inquired about putting an advertisement
in the 'Lonely Hearts' column.
"Well, madam," the assistant said, "we charge a minimum of $1 per
"You don't say," said the spinster "Well then, here's $20 and to hell
with the advertisement!"
The newly divorced woman had never had to be the handyman around the
house before, and quickly discovered she was lacking most of the
proper tools to do the odd jobs needed. She made a trip to the local
hardware store and quickly learned that it was truly a "man's world"
Thinking that she might be taken advantage of if she let on that she
was indeed a novice, she made a determined effort to look and sound as
if she knew what she was doing. Completing her first group of
purchases she took them to the clerk at the counter and looking behind
him she discovered she hadn't bought any files. She pointed to one and
said "May I have one of those ?"
The clerk, unsure of what she was indicating said, "What... one of
those bastards ?"
Without a pause, she said, "Yeah ! And ya better give me a few of
those Son-of-a-Bitches next to 'em too."
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