Today's jokes [9.13.09]

Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.

Two mountain bred GIs were wandering the streets of calcutta when an old 
woman walked by. "Hey, Billy Joe," one said, "I think that's Mother 
Teresa." "Your nuts." "I'm telling you."
They approached the woman and one asked, "Are you Mother Teresa?" The old 
lady eyed them scornfully. "Fuck off, you goddamn perverts," she hissed, 
striding off. "Jeez," Billy Joe said, watching her disappear into the 
crowd, "now we'll never know."

A very drunk man in a bar tells the bartender and everyone that is
sitting near him that he can fart out the tune to The Star Spangelled Banner!
Everyone who hears this wants to see him do it. So he tells everyone to
gather around him, then he climbs up on the bar, drops his trousers and 
proceeds to take a massive dump on the bar counter. After he
finishes the disgusted bartender says "Why in the hell did you shit on my
bar?" The drunk replies "Even Elvis had to clear his throat!"

Sent by Paul

Q: What two things in the air can get a woman pregnant?
A: Her legs!

Jill, a love-starved spinster, was so desperate that she went to
a local newspaper office and inquired about putting an advertisement
in the 'Lonely Hearts' column.
"Well, madam," the assistant said, "we charge a minimum of $1 per 
insertion."
"You don't say," said the spinster "Well then, here's $20 and to hell
with the advertisement!"

   The newly divorced woman had never had to be the handyman around the
   house before, and quickly discovered she was lacking most of the
   proper tools to do the odd jobs needed. She made a trip to the local
   hardware store and quickly learned that it was truly a "man's world"
   there.
   
   Thinking that she might be taken advantage of if she let on that she
   was indeed a novice, she made a determined effort to look and sound as
   if she knew what she was doing. Completing her first group of
   purchases she took them to the clerk at the counter and looking behind
   him she discovered she hadn't bought any files. She pointed to one and
   said "May I have one of those ?"
   
   The clerk, unsure of what she was indicating said, "What... one of
   those bastards ?"
   
   Without a pause, she said, "Yeah ! And ya better give me a few of
   those Son-of-a-Bitches next to 'em too."

By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.

But wait! Don't forget to read Today's Stories Today's Poems Today's Quotes Today's Funny Pic   September '09 Jokes Issues: S M T W Th F St 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30