Today's jokes [9.10.09]

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What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a 
rectal thermometer?

The taste.

TOP15.Some of the myths about marriage...
   Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is
   heating up. Then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I
   just want you to hold me." The husband says: "WHAT??" The wife
   explains that he must not be in tune
   with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing
   is going to happen and he might as well deal with it.
   So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept store. He
   walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She
   can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they
   go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to
   the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond ear rings. His wife
   is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out but she does not
   care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says: "But you
   don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The
   wife is jumping up and
   down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says: "I
   am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
   The husband says: "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this
   stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey. I just want you to HOLD
   this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and she is about to
   explode and the Husband says: "You must not be in tune with my
   financial needs as a Man!!!"
  
   TECHNOLOGY FOR THE COUNTRY FOLK
   What high-tech lingo becomes once it goes north of the
   Oregon-California border.
   LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
   LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
   MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the woodstove.
   DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk
   MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin the farwood
   FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
   RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood
   HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time
   PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time
   WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside
   SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's blak fly season
   BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do
   MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the munchie bag
   MODEM: Whacha did to the hay fields
   DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
   LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps
   KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys
   SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs
   MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
   MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf
   PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
   ENTER: Northerner talk fer, C'Mon in y'all
   RANDOM ACCESS
   MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore
   wife asks
   MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, I 
got this great Polish Joke..." 
The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: "Before you 
go telling that joke you better know that I'm Polish, both bouncers are 
Polish and so are most of my customers" 
"Okay" says the customer,"I'll tell it very slowly." 

Did I tell you I had this woman pounding on my door all night last night?

Yeah, I finally let her out!

Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this 
gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next 
to her.  He buys her a drink and then another and then another. 
After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back 
to his place for a "good time."

"Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn 
into a slut after 3 drinks, you  know!"

"OK,"  replies Joe, "so how many does it take?"

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