Today's stories [8.21.09]

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OMNI Magazine Contest



 These are responses to a contest sponsored by OMNI magazine:

 Grand Prize Winner:

 When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and
 when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered
 side facing down.  I propose to strap buttered toast to the
 back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above
 the ground.  With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed
 monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

 Runners-up:

 If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number
 of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds
 at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually
 produce all the worlds great literary works in Braille.

 Why Yawning Is Contagious:  You yawn to equalize the
 pressure on your eardrums.  This pressure change outside
 your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so
 they must yawn to even it out.

 Communist China is technologically underdeveloped
 because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use
 acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.

 The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation.
 Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the
 arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall
 trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

 Honorable Mentions:

 Birds take off at sunrise.  On the opposite side of the
 world, they are landing at sunset.  This causes the earth to
 spin on its axis.

 The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is
 that it's easier to go faster when you're always going
 downhill.

 The quantity of consonants in the English language is
 constant.  If omitted in one place, they turn up in another.
 When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate
 southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in
 "erl wells."

My wife is a primary school teacher, and related this tale after
another class returned from a trip to a working farm: 

My wife asked little David if he had enjoyed the trip. 
"Yes it was great - we saw sheep, horses, goats, and f***ers." 
Wife: "er, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and the rest are,
but what is a f***er?" 
David: "Oh, they're the animals that give us milk" 
Wife: "but who said they were called, er, f***ers?" 
David: "that was our teacher. Well actually she called them
"effers," but we all knew what she meant." 

State Trooper on the NYS Thruway (I90) gave me a ticket 
the other day.  Speeding?  No.
     I was driving in the Granny lane (slow) and the Trooper 
pulled up beside me.  I hit a pheasent that stepped into the 
road from the shoulder.  Flew across the lane, hit the 
Trooper's windshield and broke it.
     The Trooper gave me the ticket for flipping him the bird.

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