Today's jokes [8.8.09]

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In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. He was a
hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh! If I go down three
inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down three
inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down three
inches... that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake,
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh!" he thought, "If that fly goes
down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose
himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper
lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I
can tell you there was more.

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down
three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly ...and that bear grabs for
that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat, lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was
fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunchtime,
"Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that
fly... and that bear grabs for that fish ...and that hunter shoots that
bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... then I can 
have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the
cooling mist of the water... The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs
the fish.. The hunter shoots the bear... The mouse grabs the cheese
sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks...The cat falls
into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is....


Whenever a fly goes down three inches... Somewhere there's a pussy in trouble.

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol 
station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in
a  typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. 
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?, asks the attendant. 
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"

There's a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman 
on board.

The headquarters in the US  calls:
"Monkey #1, Monkey #1 report to coms for instructions."
He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, 
increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the 
reactors.  So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases
the oxygen.

A few moments later headquarters  calls again:   "Monkey #2, Monkey #2
report to coms for  instructions."  He sits down and he is told to add
Carbon Dioxide to room  4, to stop the  fuel injection to engine 3, to 
add nitrogen to the fuel  compartment and to  analyse the solar 
radiation. So the monkey does the  carbon dioxide, the  fuel injection, 
the nitrogen and the analysis of  solar radiation.

A little later on, headquarters  calls again:   "Woman, woman please 
report to coms for  instructions."  She sits down and just as she is 
about to be told what to  do she says.....    "I know, I know!! Feed
the monkeys, and don't  touch a damn thing."

While they were taking up the collection, John leaned forward and said, 
"Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?" 
"Why Yes, John, that would be nice," said Marie. 

Well, John couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his 
car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner, the 
finest restaurant in Raleigh. When they sat down, John looked over at 
Marie said, "Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?" 

"Oh, no, John, "said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?" 

Well, John was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. 
Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. 
"Hey, Marie," said John, "Would you like a smoke?" 

"Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?" 

Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car 
and was driving Marie home when they passed the Holiday Inn. He'd 
struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. 

"Hey, Marie," said John, "how would you like to stop at this motel with 
me?" 

"Sure, John, that would be nice," said Marie. 

Well, John couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and 
there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and 
checked in with Marie. 

The next morning John got up first. He looked at Marie lying there in 
the bed. 

"What have I done? What have I done?" thought John. 

He shook Marie and she woke up. "Marie, I've got to ask you one thing, 
said John. "What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" 

Marie said, "The same thing I always tell them......... You don't have 
to smoke and drink to have a good time.

US Attorney General John Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school.
After fifteen minutes speaking he says: 'I will now answer any
questions you have.' Bobby stands up and says: 'I have four questions':

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?             
2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden?                               
3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties?
4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?

Just then the bell goes and the kids rushed out to play. Upon 
returning, Mr Ashcroft said: "I am sorry we were interrupted. I will 
answer any questions you have.' A little girl called Julie stands up
and says: 'I have six questions':

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?             
2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden?                               
3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties?
4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?                    
5. Why did the bell ring twenty minutes early?
6. Where is Bobby?

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