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Today's jokes [8.7.09]

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I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who, this morning,
called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of
time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and
rekindling a little of that "old magic". 

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older
and a bit greyer and balder than when..... you last saw me. Plus I don't
really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few
inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...
everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing
jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, grey haired, older men were cute, and she
was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to fuck off.

1. 




Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She also
enjoys writing to relatives.    

Dear Family,  

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk
if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that
day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by
a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my
bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

 

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had
changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked,  I'd never have noticed.   I found that lots of people love Jesus!
 While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and
then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!  Go!
Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'    What an exuberant cheerleader he was for
Jesus!    Everyone started honking!    

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.  

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck
up in the air.   I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what
that meant.    He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or
something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the
window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out
laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they
got out of their cars and started walking towards me.  I bet they wanted to
pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light
had changed.  So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and
drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before
the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after
all the love we had shared.   So I slowed the car down, leaned out the
window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I
drove away.  Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, 

Granny Mabel

2. 




Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known
Hussein family members are coming to the attention of American
authorities.

Among the brothers:
------------------
Sooflay .......................the restauranteur
Guday......................... the half-Australian brother
Huray......................... the sports fanatic
Bejay..........................the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay................the twins from the African mother
Sayhay.........................the baseball player
Ojay...........................the stalker / murderer
Gulay..........................the singer / entertainer
Ebay...........................the internet czar
Biliray........................the country music star
Ecksray........................the radiologist
Puray..........................the blender factory owner
Tupay..........................the one with bad hair

Among the sisters:
-----------------

Pusay..........................the 'loose' 22 yr old
Lattay.........................the coffee shop owner
Bufay..........................the 300 pound sister
Dushay.........................the clean sister
Phayray........................the zoo worker in the gorilla house
Sapheway.......................the grocery store owner:
Ollay..........................the half-mexican sister
Gudlay.........................the prostitute

More will, no doubt, be discovered...including A.A. Sidday, Oz weekend TV Host.

3. 




A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. 
Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says
his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens
the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the
homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??" "No, get
lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the
door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says 
"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down
in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter
and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What
would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.

"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be
the right thing to do."

So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He
opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:
"Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."

4. 




After months of negotiation with the authorities, a
Talmudist from Odessa was granted permission to visit
Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat.
At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to
him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought:
This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he
isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district.
If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish
because this is, after all, a Jewish district. On the
other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going?
I'm the only Jew in our district who has permission to
travel to Moscow. Ahh? But just outside Moscow there
is a little village called Samvet, and Jews don't need
special permission to go there. But why would he be
going to Samvet? He's probably going to visit one of
the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish
families are there in Samvet? Only two - the
Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a
terrible family, and a nice looking fellow like him
must be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he going?
The Steinbergs have only daughters, so maybe he's
their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter
did he marry? They say that Sarah married a nice
lawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a businessman
from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which
means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not
mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the
anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed
his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen?
Kovacs. But if they allowed him to change his name, he
must have some special status. What could it be? A
doctorate from the University for sure. At this point
the scholar turns to the young man and says, "How do
you do, Dr. Kovacs?" 
"Very well, thank you, sir." answered the startled
passenger. But how is it that you know my name?" 
"Oh," replied the Talmudist, "it was obvious."

5. 



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