Today's jokes [8.27.09]

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A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the 
Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces: 
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our
engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down 
momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to 
accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted; I am
unable to find  it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be
rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not
for the rest of our lives. A few minutes later the plane lands safely on
the island, whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did
we pay our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?" No Morris!" she responded.
Morris smiles, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?" 
"Oy no, I forgot to send the check!!" Now Morris laughs. 
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple
Building Fund check this month?" "Oy Morris I forgot that one too!" 
Now Morris is practically choking with laughter. Esther asks Morris,
"So what are you smiling and laughing about?

Morris responds, "They'll find us."

One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water
cooler at the office. "Veronica, I just don't know what to do," Gloria 
said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Alex in accounting asked 
me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?"

"Oh, my God!" her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then
use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your
dress and you'll have fantastic s*x!"

"What should I do?" asked Gloria.

Her friend quickly replied, "Wear an old dress."

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single 
hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing 
respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their
playing time standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the 
wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser,
picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle,
don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever 
meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." 

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, 
the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her 
constipation.
"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half- hour
in the morning and again at night."
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

A Second Opinion

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for
help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him
put his dog down on the examination table.  The vet examines the
still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his
dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not
willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts
the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body,
walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and
finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and
says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body,
walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks
your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and
asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for
my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan
and lab tests."

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