Today's jokes [8.26.09]

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What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of
heat and excitement?

Firetruck

This is what should happen to ALL CATS..!

HOW TO WASH THE CAT

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both 
lids up.

3. Find the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. 
(You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.) The cat will 
self-agitate and make ample suds.  Never mind the noises that come from 
your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

CAUTION:
Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his claws will 
be reaching out for anything they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.  This provides a Power "Wash" 
and "Rinse", which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no 
people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where 
he will dry himself.


Sincerely,

THE DOG

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who 
had broken into his house the night before. 

"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. 

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house 
without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a stunningly beautiful young 
woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight black 
leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket. As the bus 
rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that 
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the 
bus' first step. 

So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she 
reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this 
would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the 
step onto the bus only to discover she still could not make the step. 

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and 
unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the 
step and once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg 
because of the tight skirt. 

So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the 
offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make 
the step. 

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her 
up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. 
The pretty young woman went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, 
screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who 
you are!!!!" 

At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you 
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind a figured that we was 
friends."

After a wonderful night of love making, the young guy rolled over and was 
looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk 
in the distance. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is that your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, she answered, "That's me before the surgery."

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