Today's jokes [8.18.09]

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This woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some 
arsenic. 
He asks "What for?"
She says "I want to kill my husband".
He says "Sorry, I can't do that."
She then reaches inter her handbag a pulls out a photo of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.

He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription..."

For those of you who watch what you eat... Here's the final word on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all
those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and
fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is
apparently  what kills you.

Fred Dingaling

A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than
the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides 
to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of
a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he
used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase 
on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose 
your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred
Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the
time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I
got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through
college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree 
so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to
school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my
degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so
I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was
Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD.
"Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was
Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking
away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as
Fred Dingaling with VD.
"Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."
The officer let him go without even a warning.

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the 
son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. 
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. 
Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank
faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." 
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the
people, shall not perish from the earth'"? 
Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said
Martinez. 
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than
you do." 
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."
"Who said that?" she demanded. 
Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." 
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." 
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" 
Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." 
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" 
Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" 
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you
say anything else, I'll kill you." 
Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to
Chandra Levy 2001." 
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on 
the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!" 
Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an
unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you
get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey'
and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate
it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100
bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to
that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes
time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye 
and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her 
every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your 
life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will
not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "I do."
Then, he leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made
me a much better offer."

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