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Today's jokes [8.15.09]

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A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, 
their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they 
made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they 
fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, 
he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the 
grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. 

He slipped into his shoes and drove home. 
Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house. 
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my 
secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and 
didn't wake up until 8.00 p.m." 
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! 
You've been playing golf!!"


A Friend's Prayer

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who
screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.



A doctor's advice to young bride regarding the use of the diaphragm: 

"Use it on every conceivable occasion."


At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched
out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified
handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where
they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent
white horses.

As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and
waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all
was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and

Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the
most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence,
and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their
best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was
a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing

She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my
regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a
Queen cannot control."

George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please
don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said
something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."


Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like 
forever. He'd waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing. 
Finally David, his playing partner, asked, "Why on Earth are you taking 
so long to make this shot?"

"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make 
this shot a good one," said Bob.

"Good Lord," said David, "you haven't got a chance of hitting her from 


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