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Today's jokes [8.11.09]

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Why did the blonde insist her partner use a condom?

She wanted to save a dogie bag for later.

1. 




Christmas Cookie Ingredients

1 cup water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups dried fruit
1 bottle Absolute vodka

Sample the Absolute to  check quality.  Take a large bowl. Check the
Absolute again, to be sure it is of the highest quality.  Pour 1 level
cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer.  Beat 1 cup  butter in a
large fluffy bowl.  Add 1 teaspoon of sugar,  beat again.  At this
point it's best to make sure the Absolute is still OK, try another cup, 
just in case. 

Turn off the mixerer thingy, break 2 leggs and add to the bowl
and chuck  in 1 cup of dried fruit.  Pick the frigging fruit off
floor... mix on the turner.  If the fried druit gets stuck in the
beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.  Sample the Absolut to
check for tonsisticity.  Next, sift 2 cups of salt or something.  Who
giveshz a sheet.  Check the Absolute.  Now shift the lemon juice and
strain your nuts.  Add 1 table.  Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.
Whatever you can find.  Greash the oven.  Turn the cake tin 360 degrees
and try not to fall over.  Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Absolute and
make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.   CHERRY MISTMAS!!!!!!

2. 




"My girl, Ginger, is going to die of syphilis," mumbles an angry
biker to one of his buddies. 

"No," says the friend, "people don't die of syphilis anymore." 

The angry biker replies, "They do when they give it to me!"

3. 




There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful 
teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son 
they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally 
became pregnant, and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine 
months later. 

The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He 
took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever 
seen. 
 
He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be 
the father of that child. 

 
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her 
a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" 

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time"! 

4. 




Why did the chicken cross the road?

- To escape an oppressive military regime.

5. 



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