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Today's jokes [8.10.09]

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What's the difference between Elvis and a smart blonde?

Elvis has been sighted.


The Pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals. When they have all 
assembled at the Vatican, he takes them into the meeting hall and 
states, "I have some really fantastic news and some very terrible news." 
Of course, all the cardinals want to hear the good news first, so the 
Pope tells them, "Jesus Christ has returned to the world. The time of 
judgement is at hand, and our faith in his existence is justified."

After the commotion dies down a bit, one of the cardinals speaks up, 
asking what the terrible news is. The Pope replies, "He was calling
from Salt Lake City."


A woman asks: "Why don't men get mad cow disease?"

Another woman replies: "Because men are pigs!"


A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine 
the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. 
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be 
cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the 
longest private part he had ever seen! 
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you
off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.
It has to be saved for posterity." 
With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's
schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. 
The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to 
show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. 
"Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwatrz is dead!"


Robinson came home in great excitement and said to his wife, "You'll 
never believe it, dear, but I've discovered an entirely new position
for lovemaking."
"Really," said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. "What is it?"
"Back to back."
"But that's crazy. We can't do anything back to back."
"Yes we can. I've persuaded another couple to help out."


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