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Today's poems [7.6.09]

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               A Chinese chef named Chang 
               Made dishes of unusual tang. 
                    He stirred his wok 
                    With the head of his cock 
               'Til oyster sauce poured from his wang. 


                    The Ballad of the Bobbit Hillbillies
               (Sing to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies)
Here's a little story of a man named John
a poor ex-marine (with a little fraction gone).
It seems one night after gettin' with the wife.
She lopped of his schlong with the swipe of a knife.
        (Penis that is)
        (Rodeoed. Fillet-io-ed)

Well the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side,
and Lorena's in the car takin Willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,
so she tossed him out the window as she rounded out a bend.
        (Curve that is)
        (Pricker shrubs, wheel hubs)

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
and they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.
They sniffed and they barked, then they pointed "over there"
To John Wayne's Henry that was wavin' in the air.
        (Found that is)
        (By a fence, evidence)

Now peter and John couldn't stay apart too long,
So a dick-doc said "Hey! I can fix your dong."
"A needle and a thread's just the thing you're gonna need."
Then the world held it's breath 'till they heard that Johnny peed.
        (Wizzed that is)
        (Stitched seam, straight stream)

Well he healed and he hardened, and he took his case to court,
With a cock-eyed lawyer (since his assets came up short)
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape,
And his pecker was the only one they didn't show on tape!
        (Video that is)
        (Unexposed, case closed)


            Said my wife as she stood on a rostrum, 
            "I don't mind if I don't have colostrum, 
                But I'll take an option 
                If your child's for adoption--- 
            Though I cannot bear kids, I can foster 'em." 


An unfortunate fellow named Chase 
Had an ass that was not quite in place, 
And he showed indignation 
When an investigation 
Showed that some people shit through their face, 


There was a young fellow of Ealing
Endowed with such delicate feeling,
When he read on the door,
"Don't spit on the floor",
He lent back and spat on the ceiling.


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