Today's jokes [7.8.09]

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Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad
news and good
news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and
will need help
eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. One day, a man came in and
asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of 
lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy 
said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "there is some asshole out there who wants to buy 
only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the 
man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half".

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy 
and said, "you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed
with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here.

Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota sir".

"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just 
whores and hockey players up there." The manager was shocked and replied "My wife is from 
Minnesota!!"

The boy answered, "Really! What team did she play for?" 

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. 
She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully 
and all would become clear in time.

She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing 
what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, 
she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male 
parrot's neck.

A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes 
one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she 
caught you at it, too."

   Tell ya what though, I don't have it nearly as rough as one of my
   neighbors. When he attends a wife swapping party, he has to throw in
   the maid, and a mistress to be named later.

A child at a Christian school was studying the early days of Mormonism in 
his class. He wrote on his paper,
"The early Mormons believed in having more than one wife. This is called 
polygamy. But we believe in having only one wife. This is called monotony"

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