Today's jokes [7.3.09]

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Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's
dreams every night??

A: Hansons.

Young Amanpreet never quite got over his miserable 
childhood as an orphan in the ghetto.  When he turned 18 he
joined the Marines, but old habits die hard and one night the
sergeant found him rummaging around the garbage and eating
out of the discarded cans and jars.

"On your free, Lizard Pecker," he bellowed.  "You'll eat in 
the message hall -- you're no better than the rest of us!"

One day this old man was about to have sex with a young girl which he did 
not know. The old man began to put on his condom when the young girl asked 
him why is he putting one on. She said "you don't have to worry about 
getting me pregnant because you are too old and you don't have to worry 
about catching anything because you are going to die pretty soon anyway". 
The old man continued to put on his condom he then looked up at the girl 
and said, "young girl the reason I am putting on this condom isn't because 
I am afraid of getting you pregnant or catching anything. I just like the 
scent of burning rubber."

The patient came into the doctor's office, suffering from amnesia.
The doctor asked, "Have you ever had it before?"

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the
   strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000.00 bet. The
   bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass,
   and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop
   of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time
   (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
   One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a
   polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try
   the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK,
   grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled
   remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned
   to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six
   drops fell into the glass.
   As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000.00, and asked the
   little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a
   weightlifter, or what?" The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

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