Today's jokes [7.17.09]
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A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" Asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire."
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the
scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered
dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years.
He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the
road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken
by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it
he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and
the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog
walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one
When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued
the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the
top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm
gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he
approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and
reading a book.
"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned
hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the water bowl and
took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were
full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
"What do you call this place?" the traveller asked.
"This is Heaven," he answered.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road said
that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their
best friends behind."
A Letter from Account Receivables
CITY, STATE, ZIP
Will you get off your dead ass and take care of your obligations! We are
still holding the insufficient check that we called you on over a month
ago. I know you told me you were waiting to get paid for a job that was
due over a year ago. Get real. If they haven't paid you yet they are
probably not going to. That is not our problem.
Girl, you are going to go to jail if you don't pay for this check. We are
not willing to wait any longer for our money. If I had my way, we wouldn't
sell you any product at all. You are not a good risk. We put you on open
account and you drug your feet in paying us, so we put you on COD only and
now are sitting on a check you wrote when you knew damn good and well that
it wasn't worth the paper it was printed on. And I love how you got your
husband involved. When I made the first phone call, he acted incredulous
that the check wasn't any good. He had me going!
The prosecutor of our county will be contacting you. She is really good at
collecting. Kelly's her name and collecting is her game!
One other point, we will only accept a credit card payment for any
purchases you make with us from now on. We will let the credit card
company charge you 20+% for as long as it takes for you to pay them.
Again, not our problem.
ORDERING PIZZA IN 2010
This is so close to what is probably going to be happening in 2010 that
we're not sure how funny this really is...
Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?
Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an order.
Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir.
Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610.
Operator: Thank you Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive,
and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln
Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566. Email address is
firstname.lastname@example.org. Which number are you calling from sir?
Customer: Huh? I'm at home. Where'd you get all this information?
Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir.
Custo mer: The HSS, what is that?
Operator: We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add
only 15 seconds to your ordering time.
Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to order a couple of your All Meat
Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir.
Customer: Whaddya mean?
Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that
you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your
National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice.
Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?
Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza.I'm sure you'll like it.
Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?
Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local
library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion.
Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then
Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids. Your
2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.
Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.
Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your
credit card balance is over its limit.
Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver
Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account is overdrawn also.
Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How
long will it take?
Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes,
sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick'em up while you're out
getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little
Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?
Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car
got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.
Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#
Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July
4, 2005, conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here in
September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge Oh yes, I see
here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional
Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?
Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?
Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke.
Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from
offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank
you for calling Pizza Hut.
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