Today's jokes [7.16.09]

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A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really
rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive
around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to
escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her
sexual urges.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting
salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well ... you started it."

An elderly couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering
things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells
them that they're physically okay but they might want to start writing 
things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the
old man gets up from his chair.
 
His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen," he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down
because you know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that: You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries!"

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd
better write it down!" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!  
Leave me alone: Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I’ve got
it, for goodness sake!"

Then he grumbles his way into the kitchen. After twenty minutes the old man
returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and then asks, "Where's my toast?"

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it’s Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer!"

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it
was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even
though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. 

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the
teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was
physically impossible. 

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". 

The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" 

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

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