Today's jokes [7.13.09]

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A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: "I look
horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment."

He  replies, "Your eyesight is perfect."

Japanese scientists  have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, 
they can now photograph a woman with her mouth  shut.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.  A mobile phone on
a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins
to talk as he puts on his golf shoes. Everyone else in the room stops to  
listen.

MAN:  "Hello?"

WOMAN:  "Honey, it's me.  Are you at the club?"

MAN:  "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only 500.  Is it okay if I buy it?"

MAN:  "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN:  "Oh, thanks so very much.  I also stopped by the Mercedes garage
this morning and saw the new models.  There was one I really, really
liked."

MAN:  "How much?"

WOMAN:  "80.000"

MAN:  "OK, but for that price I want it with all the optional extras."

WOMAN: "Great!  Oh, and one more thing.  The house we wanted last year
is back on the market.  They're asking 1,500,000."

MAN:  "Well then, go ahead and make them an offer, no more than
1,250,000."

WOMAN:  "OK.  I'll see you later!  I love you!"

MAN:  "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in
absolute astonishment. Then he smiles and asks, "Anyone know whose mobile
this is?"

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES?
 

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
 
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What
the hell, they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
 
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party
atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this
country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
 
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus
saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could
charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the
tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
 
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked
women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry
would see record revenues.
 
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden
opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
 
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
 
Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.  
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'  
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'.
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

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