Today's jokes [7.12.09]
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I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, the other is a
mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our partners
by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We
agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me
with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said,
'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you' and we made love all night long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I
was wearing the leather bodice and heels under a raincoat and the mask over
my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild
sex all night.
Then I shared my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the
leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon
as he came in the door and saw me he said,
'What's for dinner, Batman?"
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when
his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman
he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few
years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $65 million.'
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love
to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset.
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me --
a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a
divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell
you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began --
'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here
asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took
pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin,
not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for
three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the
enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because
you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in
moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and
while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of
holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the
designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because
you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your
anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't
wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the
expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the
The husband took a quick breath and continued -
'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to
the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do
you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
A wife gets naked and asks her hubby: "What turns you on more, my pretty
face or my sexy body?"
Hubby looks her up and down and replies: "Your sense of humor!"
A boy asks his granny: "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?"
Granny replies: "Screw the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"
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