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Today's jokes [7.11.09]

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   There was a large nuclear accident and one of the worlds largest
   cities was totally
   destroyed. There were millions of people dead it was a real tragedy.
   With that many people
   of course things got backed up at the pearly gates, where they have to
   interview everyone.
   The people were lined up for miles. Then at the front of the line a
   large cheer went up, and
   there was much rejoicing. Of course the people at the back of the line
   were curious about
   what was happening. Finally one man stepped out and called toward the
   front of the line,
   "what's going on?" Someone called back "They ain't gonna count
   fucking."
   


1. 




Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's 
special is chicken almondine and fresh fish. The chicken sounds good, 
I'll have that," Hillary says. The waiter nods. And the vegetable?" 
he asks. Oh, He'll have the fish," Hillary replies. 

2. 




   This practical joke is hearsay.  A fellow student some years ago
   related the following.  Apparently another student was a bit of
   a braggar.  His favourite topic was his car, and one sub-topic
   was the terrific gas milage (pre-metric) it got.

   So it began one evening.  Fill up a one-gallon container of gas
   each night and pour it into the victim's gas tank.  Wait for the
   story each day to get better and better.  Repeat until it cannot
   be taken any more.  I believe 2 weeks was sufficient.

   Finally the moment (days) of truth.  Each night for 2 weeks,
   the effect was reversed, and one gallon of gas was REMOVED from
   the victim's tank.  It was amazingly effective at reducing some
   of the stories.  I suspect the truth was never revealed to the
   victim.
  


3. 




   In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly
   confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot
   the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he
   could.
   
   The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a
   very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.
   
   Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in
   rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and
   exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"
   
   The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet
   short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced
   around, somewhat confused.
   
   Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God,
   for the food I'm about to receive...."
   


4. 




Application to Live in Kentucky



Name:__________________________ Nickname:_________________________________

CB Handle Model:_____________________  Color:______________

Address (RFD No.):_________________--_____________________________________

Daddy (If unknown, list 3 suspects):______________________________________

Mamma:_________________________

Neck Shade:     _____Light Red       _____Medium Red       _____Dark Red

Number of teeth exposed in full grin:       Upper_____     Lower_____

Name of Pickup owned:_______________ Height of Truck__________

Truck equipped with:
____Gun Rack            ____4-Wheel Drive       ____Confederate Flag
____8-Track Cassettes   ____Load of Wood  ____Hijacker Shocks
____Radar Detector      ____Mag Wheels          ____Dual CB Antennas
____Spittoon            ____Camper Top          ____Air Horns
____Mud Flaps           ____Toothpick Holder    ____Mud-Grip Tires
____Raccoon Hide        ____Big Dog             ____Hunting Rifle

Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup truck:_____

BUMPER STICKERS:
____Eat more Possum             ____My other car is a piece of shit too
____Honk if you love Jesus      ____If you ain't a cowboy you aint shit
____Redman Chewing Tobacco      ____Wave if you're horny
____Don't Like My Driving? Dial 1-800-Eat-Shit
____If You Can Read This, Then You's Too Smart For Kentucky
____I Brake For Nuthin'         ____National Rifle Association

Define the following (must be 90% correct):

1. Grits        6. Sawmill Gravy        11. Cobbler     16. Tater
2. Goobers      7. Turnip Salad         12. Fatback     17. Pig Skins
3. Pinto Beans  8. Shit-on-a-Shingle    13. Tote        18. Okrie
4. Collards     9. Redeye Gravy         14. Chickin'Fry 19. Shonuf
5. Sidemeat     10. Soppin' Syrup       15. Poke        20. Chitlins

Favorite Vocalist:

____Reba McEntire       ____Conway Twitty       ____Loretta Lynn
____Hank Williams Jr.   ____Randy Travis        ____Ray Wylie Hubbard
____Tammy Wynette       ____Slim Whitman        ____Porter Wagoner
____Willie Nelson       ____George Jones        ____Box Car Willie

Favorite Recreation:

____Square Dancin'      ____Possum Huntin'      ____Skinny Dippin'
____Craw Daddin'        ____Gospel Singin'      ____4-Wheelin'
____Drankin'            ____Spittin' Backy      ____Bill Chip Throwin'
____Honky Tonkin'       ____Noodlin'            ____Other

Name of Son(s):   ____Bubba   ____Jim Bob    ____LeeRoy   ____J.D.
                  ____Bill Lee____Bob Lee    ____Duke

Name of Daughter(s):  ____PammySue   ____Violet   ____Paulette   ____Daisy

Weapons Owned:

___Deer Rifle   ___Sawed-Off Shotgun    ___Varmit Rifle ___Log Cabin
___Tire Iron      ___Power Chain Saw      ___Pick Handle  ___Hick'ry Switch

Number of Dogs:____    Type:    ___Blue Tick    ___Beagle
                                ___Black & Tan  ___Bird Dawg

Cap Emblem:     ___John Deer    ___McCullock Chain Saws ___Budweiser
                ___Vo-Tech      ___Skoal                ___Coors
                ___NAPA         ___Smile if You're Not Wearing Underwear
                ___N.R.A.       ___Redman               ____Kodiak

Number of Dependends:    Legal:________         Claimed:_________

Number of Weeks Unemployed:__________

Number of Welfare Checks Received:____________

Memberships:

___KKK          ___NRA          ___Moose        ___PTL Club     ___AA
___Bass Club    ___VFW          ___Quiltin' Bee ___American Legion
___United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy
___John Birch Society

Length of Right leg:________              Length of Left leg:__________

Number of Testicles Shot off in 'Nam____  Number of Testicles Left____

Does your truck contain some part painted the offical state color of
Primer Red?  ___Yes    ___No

How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?_______

How many kitchen appliances will you keep on your front porch?__________

Will you wear mostly double-knit polyester pants with snags?____________

Do you own any shoes?   ____Yes    ____No    If yes, how many?__________

What year did you last purchase shoes?_________________

Are you married to any of the following:

____Sister      ____Cousin      ____Sow

Do you know her name?________________

Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?____________

Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?____________

Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?________________

If so, why?______________________________________________________________

Can you count:  Past 10 with your shoes on?_________________
                To 21 with your fly up?_____________________

Do you know any words that have more than four letters?__________________

Have you ever had more than one bath in a week?__________________________

Medical Information:

Do you have at least two of the following:

___BO           ___Crabs        ___Head Lice    ___Rabies
___Trench Mouth ___Runny Nose   ___Bad Breath   ___Chafing


IF YOUR APPLICATION IS TURNED DOWN BY THE STATE OF KENTUCKY, YOU MAY BE
ELIGIBLE IN THE STATES OF TEXAS, OKLAHOMA, OR ARKANSAS. THEIR STANDARDS ARE
SLIGHTLY LOWER, HOWEVER, YOU WOULD STILL BE ABLE TO VISIT KENTUCKY.



5. 



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