Today's jokes [7.11.09]
Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes.
Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.
There was a large nuclear accident and one of the worlds largest
cities was totally
destroyed. There were millions of people dead it was a real tragedy.
With that many people
of course things got backed up at the pearly gates, where they have to
The people were lined up for miles. Then at the front of the line a
large cheer went up, and
there was much rejoicing. Of course the people at the back of the line
were curious about
what was happening. Finally one man stepped out and called toward the
front of the line,
"what's going on?" Someone called back "They ain't gonna count
Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's
special is chicken almondine and fresh fish. The chicken sounds good,
I'll have that," Hillary says. The waiter nods. And the vegetable?"
he asks. Oh, He'll have the fish," Hillary replies.
This practical joke is hearsay. A fellow student some years ago
related the following. Apparently another student was a bit of
a braggar. His favourite topic was his car, and one sub-topic
was the terrific gas milage (pre-metric) it got.
So it began one evening. Fill up a one-gallon container of gas
each night and pour it into the victim's gas tank. Wait for the
story each day to get better and better. Repeat until it cannot
be taken any more. I believe 2 weeks was sufficient.
Finally the moment (days) of truth. Each night for 2 weeks,
the effect was reversed, and one gallon of gas was REMOVED from
the victim's tank. It was amazingly effective at reducing some
of the stories. I suspect the truth was never revealed to the
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly
confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot
the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he
The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a
very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in
rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and
exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"
The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet
short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced
around, somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God,
for the food I'm about to receive...."
Application to Live in Kentucky
CB Handle Model:_____________________ Color:______________
Address (RFD No.):_________________--_____________________________________
Daddy (If unknown, list 3 suspects):______________________________________
Neck Shade: _____Light Red _____Medium Red _____Dark Red
Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper_____ Lower_____
Name of Pickup owned:_______________ Height of Truck__________
Truck equipped with:
____Gun Rack ____4-Wheel Drive ____Confederate Flag
____8-Track Cassettes ____Load of Wood ____Hijacker Shocks
____Radar Detector ____Mag Wheels ____Dual CB Antennas
____Spittoon ____Camper Top ____Air Horns
____Mud Flaps ____Toothpick Holder ____Mud-Grip Tires
____Raccoon Hide ____Big Dog ____Hunting Rifle
Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup truck:_____
____Eat more Possum ____My other car is a piece of shit too
____Honk if you love Jesus ____If you ain't a cowboy you aint shit
____Redman Chewing Tobacco ____Wave if you're horny
____Don't Like My Driving? Dial 1-800-Eat-Shit
____If You Can Read This, Then You's Too Smart For Kentucky
____I Brake For Nuthin' ____National Rifle Association
Define the following (must be 90% correct):
1. Grits 6. Sawmill Gravy 11. Cobbler 16. Tater
2. Goobers 7. Turnip Salad 12. Fatback 17. Pig Skins
3. Pinto Beans 8. Shit-on-a-Shingle 13. Tote 18. Okrie
4. Collards 9. Redeye Gravy 14. Chickin'Fry 19. Shonuf
5. Sidemeat 10. Soppin' Syrup 15. Poke 20. Chitlins
____Reba McEntire ____Conway Twitty ____Loretta Lynn
____Hank Williams Jr. ____Randy Travis ____Ray Wylie Hubbard
____Tammy Wynette ____Slim Whitman ____Porter Wagoner
____Willie Nelson ____George Jones ____Box Car Willie
____Square Dancin' ____Possum Huntin' ____Skinny Dippin'
____Craw Daddin' ____Gospel Singin' ____4-Wheelin'
____Drankin' ____Spittin' Backy ____Bill Chip Throwin'
____Honky Tonkin' ____Noodlin' ____Other
Name of Son(s): ____Bubba ____Jim Bob ____LeeRoy ____J.D.
____Bill Lee____Bob Lee ____Duke
Name of Daughter(s): ____PammySue ____Violet ____Paulette ____Daisy
___Deer Rifle ___Sawed-Off Shotgun ___Varmit Rifle ___Log Cabin
___Tire Iron ___Power Chain Saw ___Pick Handle ___Hick'ry Switch
Number of Dogs:____ Type: ___Blue Tick ___Beagle
___Black & Tan ___Bird Dawg
Cap Emblem: ___John Deer ___McCullock Chain Saws ___Budweiser
___Vo-Tech ___Skoal ___Coors
___NAPA ___Smile if You're Not Wearing Underwear
___N.R.A. ___Redman ____Kodiak
Number of Dependends: Legal:________ Claimed:_________
Number of Weeks Unemployed:__________
Number of Welfare Checks Received:____________
___KKK ___NRA ___Moose ___PTL Club ___AA
___Bass Club ___VFW ___Quiltin' Bee ___American Legion
___United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy
___John Birch Society
Length of Right leg:________ Length of Left leg:__________
Number of Testicles Shot off in 'Nam____ Number of Testicles Left____
Does your truck contain some part painted the offical state color of
Primer Red? ___Yes ___No
How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?_______
How many kitchen appliances will you keep on your front porch?__________
Will you wear mostly double-knit polyester pants with snags?____________
Do you own any shoes? ____Yes ____No If yes, how many?__________
What year did you last purchase shoes?_________________
Are you married to any of the following:
____Sister ____Cousin ____Sow
Do you know her name?________________
Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?____________
Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?____________
Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?________________
If so, why?______________________________________________________________
Can you count: Past 10 with your shoes on?_________________
To 21 with your fly up?_____________________
Do you know any words that have more than four letters?__________________
Have you ever had more than one bath in a week?__________________________
Do you have at least two of the following:
___BO ___Crabs ___Head Lice ___Rabies
___Trench Mouth ___Runny Nose ___Bad Breath ___Chafing
IF YOUR APPLICATION IS TURNED DOWN BY THE STATE OF KENTUCKY, YOU MAY BE
ELIGIBLE IN THE STATES OF TEXAS, OKLAHOMA, OR ARKANSAS. THEIR STANDARDS ARE
SLIGHTLY LOWER, HOWEVER, YOU WOULD STILL BE ABLE TO VISIT KENTUCKY.
By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.
Today's StoriesToday's PoemsToday's QuotesToday's Funny Pic
S M T W Th F St
1 2 3 4
5 6 7 8 9 10 11
12 13 14 15 16 17 18
19 20 21 22 23 24 25
26 27 28 29 30 31