Today's jokes [6.7.09]
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Little Joey and Little Danny, both aged 5, are walking home from
Danny says "I won't be going to school tomorrow."
"Why not?" asks Joey.
"I have to go to the hospital," says Danny woefully.
"That's awful," says Joey. "Why do you have to go there? Are you
Danny shakes his head and replies, "I have to have a circumcision."
Joey stops dead in his tracks, an expression of complete horror across
his face, "That's Horrible!" he cries, "Why, I had that done when I was
born, and I couldn't walk for MONTHS!!"
One day a little boy over heard his parents in the bedrooom arguing,
"You bitch, your cunt is too hairy! Whell your dick is to small bastard!"
The boy was curious about these new words so he went in the room and
asked what they meant. The startled parents did their best to get out of
the situation, "You see son, bitch and bastard are what adults call each
other sometimes and dick and cunt is a nickname we gave our coats." The boy
shrugged his shoulders and went off to play. Later that day the boy was
watching his dad shave. Suddenly his dad blurted out, "Shit" when he cut
himself. The boy asked, "dad what does that mean?" and his dad cleverly
replied, "That's the brand of shaving cream I'm using." So the boy wandered
into the kitchen where his mom was preparing a turkey for company that
evening. As he was watching, his mom burned herself on the stove and
blurted out "Fuck". Again the boy asked the meaning and the frustrated
mother snapped at him, "It's french for cooking now go awnser the door! The
company is already here!" So the boy went, oopened the door, and put his
new vocabulary to use, "Hello bitches and bastards, you can hang your cunts
and dicks in the closet. My dad is still in the bathroom putting shit on
his face and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey."
The Y-Zero-K Problem
Translated from a recently discovered Latin scroll dated 2BC
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change
from BC to AD is giving us many headaches; there is not much
time left. I don't know how citizens will cope with working the
wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards
forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think
that someone would have thought of this earlier and not left it to
us to sort it out at the last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius
hadn't done something about it when he was working out the
calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We
called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing
downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a
fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely, we will not have to
throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will
make yet another fortune out of this, I suppose.
The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been
told that all usury rates will invert, and they will have to pay
their clients to take out loans. It is an ill wind... .
As for myself, I just cannot see how the sand in an hourglass
will flow upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men
in the East who have been working on the problem, but
unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over.
I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at
midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will
stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to
chariots and possible loss of life. Some say the world will
cease to exist at the moment of transition.
Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this acursed Y zero
K problem. I will send you a parchment if anything further
If you have any ideas please let me know,
Sent by Marina
Henry Abel's son, David, burst into the house, crying like everything.
His Mama asked him what the problem was. "Pop and I were fishing, and he
hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while reeling it in, the line
busted and the fish got away." "Now come on, David," his mother said, "a
big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You
should have laughed." "That's what I did, Mama."
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is
foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a
close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small
wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between
your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber
proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow
like everyone else does."
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