Today's Jokes  |  Archives  |  Lists  |  Random  |  Register  |  RandJoke on Your Page  
 


Today's jokes [6.7.09]

Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.


Little Joey and Little Danny, both aged 5, are walking home from
school. 

 Danny says "I won't be going to school tomorrow." 

"Why not?" asks Joey. 

"I have to go to the hospital," says Danny woefully. 

"That's awful," says Joey. "Why do you have to go there? Are you
sick?" 

Danny shakes his head and replies, "I have to have a circumcision." 

Joey stops dead in his tracks, an expression of complete horror across
his face, "That's Horrible!" he cries, "Why, I had that done when I was
born, and I couldn't walk for MONTHS!!"

1. 




One day a little boy over heard his parents in the bedrooom arguing,
"You bitch, your cunt is too hairy! Whell your dick is to small bastard!"
The boy was curious about these new words so he went in the room and 
asked what they meant.  The startled parents did their best to get out of 
the situation, "You see son, bitch and bastard are what adults call each 
other sometimes and dick and cunt is a nickname we gave our coats." The boy
shrugged his shoulders and went off to play.  Later that day the boy was 
watching his dad shave.  Suddenly his dad blurted out, "Shit" when he cut
himself.  The boy asked, "dad what does that mean?" and his dad cleverly 
replied, "That's the brand of shaving cream I'm using."  So the boy wandered 
into the kitchen where his mom was preparing a turkey for company that 
evening.  As he was watching, his mom burned herself on the stove and 
blurted out "Fuck".  Again the boy asked the meaning and the frustrated 
mother snapped at him, "It's french for cooking now go awnser the door! The
company is already here!"  So the boy went, oopened the door, and put his 
new vocabulary to use, "Hello bitches and bastards, you can hang your cunts
and dicks in the closet.  My dad is still in the bathroom putting shit on 
his face and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey." 

2. 




The  Y-Zero-K Problem 

Translated from a recently discovered Latin scroll dated 2BC 

Dear Cassius: 

  Are you still working on the Y zero K problem?  This change 
from  BC to AD is giving us many headaches; there is not much 
time left.  I don't know how citizens will cope with working the 
wrong way around.  Having been working happily downwards 
forever, now we have to start  thinking upwards.  You would think 
that someone would have thought of  this earlier and not left it to 
us to sort it out at the last minute. 

I spoke to Caesar the other evening.  He was livid that Julius 
hadn't  done something about it when he was working out the 
calendar.  He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty.  We 
called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing 
downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a 
fortune for doing nothing useful.  Surely, we will not have to 
throw out all our hardware and start again?  Macrohard will 
make yet another fortune out of this, I suppose. 

The money lenders are paranoid of course!  They have been 
told that all  usury rates will invert, and they will have to pay 
their clients to take out loans.  It is an ill wind... . 

As for myself, I just cannot see how the sand in an hourglass 
will flow upwards.  We have heard that there are three wise men 
in the East who have been working on the problem, but 
unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over. 

I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at 
midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will 
stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to 
chariots and possible loss of  life.  Some say the world will 
cease to exist at the moment of  transition. 

Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this acursed Y zero 
K  problem.  I will send you a parchment if anything further 
develops. 

If you have any ideas please let me know, 

Plutonius 


Sent by Marina

3. 




Henry Abel's son, David, burst into the house, crying like everything.
His Mama asked him what the problem was. "Pop and I were fishing, and he 
hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while reeling it in, the line 
busted and the fish got away." "Now come on, David," his mother said, "a 
big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You 
should have laughed." "That's what I did, Mama." 


4. 




A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is 
foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a 
close shave around the cheeks. 

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small 
wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between 
your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber 
proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. 

After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow 
like everyone else does."

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD





By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.

But wait! Don't forget to read

Today's Stories
Today's Poems
Today's Quotes
Today's Funny Pic

 June '09 Jokes Issues:
S  M  T  W  Th F  St
   1  2  3  4  5  6  
7  8  9  10 11 12 13 
14 15 16 17 18 19 20 
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 
28 29 30 

Jump to  



For any questions or comments email us at info@jokes2go.com
Copyright© SpekGY, Inc, 1998-2016. All rights reserved.