Today's jokes [6.27.09]

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   Version 2:
   
   A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her
   bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter
   playing with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" asked the Mom.
   
   "Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get
   married, so this is pretty much my husband."
   
   The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
   
   The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and
   upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What
   the hell are you doing?!" he asked.
   
   His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and
   ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to
   a husband."
   
   The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.
   
   The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in
   one hand and the vibrator sitting next to him, watching the football
   game.
   
   "For Christ's sake, what are you doing?" she cried.
   
   The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a
   beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"
   

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day.  The brunette said
that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head
and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.  The blonde asked inquisitively,
"How do you give shoulders?"

What did the priest say to the nun when he screwed her?

"The holy pole is in your hole so wet your ass and save your soul."

A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new
territory.  He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and
before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties
all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that
horseshit, I'll eat every chunk of it."  

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

He Salesman says, "why do you ask?"

She says "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet." 

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time.
Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window, "Pull over!"
"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

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