Today's jokes [6.25.09]

Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.

When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven.
"Sorry, old man," Peter said, "But I can't let you in. You see
the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin back
in 1978 -- You took the Lord's name in vain during a golf game." 

"Oh, yes. I'll never forget that one, and I'm terribly sorry
Peter, but I can explain...", the old golfer blithered. 

"Well," said Peter, "You'll have to take it up with The Big Guy." 

So Peter led the old golfer down a long golden hallway, to God's
office. "We've got another code 6 here, sir! Says he can explain..." 

"So," booms God, "You've been taking my name in vain." 

"Only once, your Almighty, Sir. But I can explain!" 

"OK. Try me, " replied the Lord. 

"Well you see sir, I was playing my best game of golf ever, and
I made it to the 18th hole, and I'd win the tournament if I could
just make par on this hole. I made my shot from the tee, and it
was sailing beautifully, when suddenly the wind shifted, and took
my ball off into the woods, and right behind this enormous oak tree..." 

"And that's when you took my name in vain?" 

"Oh, no, sir! I just took out my 6 iron and knocked that ball
clear out of the woods with one swing! It was gliding beautifully
toward the green, when suddenly it lost speed, and dropped into
a sand trap, right smack in the middle of a deep hole..." 

"So, that is when you took my name in vain?" 

"No, not then. I just took out my nine, and with one swing, drove
that ball right onto the green, and it rolled within two inches
of the hole..." 

"Don't tell me you missed a goddamn two inch putt!" 

GOD will save me

   The police were going door to door warning everyone to evacuate
   because the river was rising. One door they came to, the man said "GOD
   will save me".
   The river continued to rise and he was forced to move everthing to the
   second floor of his house. A man in a boat came by and offered to save
   him. Again he said "GOD will save me".
   Pretty soon the second story was flooded and he was forced to get on
   the roof of his house. A helicopter came by and tried to save him and
   yet again he said "GOD will save me".
   It wasn't long before the house was completely covered and the man
   died and went to heaven. He confronted God with "Why didn't you save
   me, GOD?"
   And God said " I sent you the police, a boat and a helicopter. Why did
   you stay in the house?"

   PUPPY LOVE

   A man and his son were walking through a field, and saw two dogs
   mating. The little boy
   asked his Dad what was happening. The Father replied, "Well, son,
   they're making a
   puppy." The following evening, the little boy was thirsty, so he went
   from his bed to get a
   glass of water. Not being able to reach the glasses, he walked
   unannounced into his parents
   bedroom, who were making love in their usual missionary position.
   Confused, the boy
   asked what were they doing. The Dad responded very slowly and caringly
   to his
   impressionanle little boy, "Well, son, we are making you a little
   brother. "The little boy
   replied ,"Please turn Mom over, Dad, I'd rather have a puppy!"
   

"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk 
to his friend at the next barstool.

"Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk 
way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.

"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for 
years and years now!"

This joke has been done 50 (yes, 50) years ago by my father-in-law.

First, a little background:

He lived in a small village, north-west of Quebec City along the St-Laurent
river. In those days, toilets were located outside the house in what
we call in good ol' french canadian 'becosse', from 'back house' I think.
These are a little wood shack with no floor over a hole in the ground
where you ... You can guess.

Now, for the joke:

He and a friend were thrown out of a party by the doorman.

When it was really dark,, the doorman went to investigate what was
knocking at the window. They had suspended a rock to the window
frame so it hung right it the middle and tied another string
to the rock and hid behind the 'becosse' where they pulled
that second string to make the rock knock in the window.
That's an old trick. The doorman wouldn't fall for that one. So
he followed the second string in the dark
and soon concluded that they were hidding behind the 'becosse'.

He ran toward the merely visible wood structure...

But my father-in-law and his friend had taken care of moving the
shack six feet ... Boy he fell in the shit !!
  

By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.

But wait! Don't forget to read Today's Stories Today's Poems Today's Quotes Today's Funny Pic   June '09 Jokes Issues: S M T W Th F St 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30