Today's jokes [6.23.09]

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Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. 
Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the 
ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll 
have to inform his wife. 

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he 
volunteers to do the job. 

After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did 
you tell her?" asks Jeff. "Yep", replies Bob. "Say, where did 
you get the six-pack?" 

Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me."

"WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died 
and she gave you a six-pack??" 

"Sure," Bob says. "WHY?" asks Jeff. "Well," Bob continues, 
"when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's 
widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a 
widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe 
stuttering problem.
After a thorough examination, the doctor consults 
with the patient.
Doctor: 'It appears that the reason for your 
stuttering is that your penis is about six inches 
too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal 
cords, and thereby causing you this annoying 
problem of stuttering.
Patient: Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I 
dddo? (Doctor what can I do?)
The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a 
minute and states that there is a procedure where 
we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by 
removing the six inches from the penis and freeing 
him from this horrible problem.
The patient stuttering badly states that this 
problem has caused him so much embarrassment as 
well as loss of employment that anything would be 
worth it.
The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation 
is a success and six months later the patient 
comes in for his check up.
Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I 
have not stuttered since the operation. I have a 
great job and my self esteem is fantastic. 
However, there is one problem, my wife says that 
she sort of misses the great sex we used to have 
before the extra six inches were removed. So I 
was wondering if it is possible to reattach those 
six inches.
The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a 
minute and says:
I dddoonnn?t ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould 
                    bbbbee possssssibbble.

This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good 
proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and 
practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork
in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music 
starts playing!
". . . On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again...". 
The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags the poor 
guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again,
". . . On the road again . . ."
The M.A. is totally unimpressed..."So what?" he says. "Isn't that the
most amazing thing you've ever seen?", the guy asked.
"Are you kidding?" says the M.A. "Any asshole can sing country music!" 

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in in New York City.
He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman
checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the
crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even
a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's
Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening
to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where
the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says
in a solemn voice:

"Under the B, 4. Under the I, 19. Under the N, 38.
Under the G, 54. Under the O, 72. . ." 

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling 
your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

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