Today's jokes [6.18.09]

Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.

A homosexual walked into a delicatessen and asked the shopkeeper for a 
large knob of salami.
"Would you like it sliced, sir?" the shopkeeper asked politely.
"What do you think I am?" replied the fag, "...a money box!"

She: What do you love most, my natural beauty or my body?

He: Your sense of humor.

The Math Test 


California officials have determined that students would probably do better with math word 
problems, if they could relate them to real life examples. Towards that end, may I present:

                                      The City of Los Angeles
                                 High School Math Proficiency Exam

Name:_______________________________ 
Gang:___________________________

   1.Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 
     times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attempt before he 
     has to reload? 

   2.Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to 
     Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he 
     doesn't cut it? 

   3.Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks 
     will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day crack habit? 

   4.Jarome want to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of 
     cut will he need? 

   5.Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. If he has 
     stolen 2 BMWs, 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to steal to make $800? 

   6.Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law 
     wife is spending $425 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison, 
     and how many years is he likely to get for killing the bitch that spent his money? 

   7.If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, 
     how many letters can be sprayed with 3 cans of paint? 

   8.Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of 
     the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up? 

   9.Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month 
     welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%, how many more children 
     should she have to keep up with her expenses? 

  10.Salvador was arrested for dealing crack & his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail 
     bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose by jumping bail?

One doc operated on a person for a hernia. He opened his testis and took 
the balls out and kept it on the table. At the end of the operation he 
wanted to put his balls back into the pouch of testis. He searched 
operation theatre but could not find the balls of the patient. Lastly he 
told nurse to get two small onions from his lunch box as he cannot keep 
his testis pouch empty.
After that operation he met the same patient in a garden for morning walk.
Being a good doc, he asked his patient how he is feeling now.
He said "Doc everything is fine, life is very cool except that whenever I
scratch my balls, my eyes start watering."

More cool than funny, but... 

racecar <===> racecar 
drawer <===> reward 
repaid <===> diaper 
straw <===> warts 
evian <===> naive [there's a message here, I think!] 
smug <===> gums 
star <===> rats 
step <===> pets 
step on <===> no pets

By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.

But wait! Don't forget to read Today's Stories Today's Poems Today's Quotes Today's Funny Pic   June '09 Jokes Issues: S M T W Th F St 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30