Today's jokes [6.11.09]

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A fellow dies, goes to hell, and is surprised when
confronted by a room full of beautiful blondes and
kegs of beer. He asks a nearby demon if this is
really hell, and what was so bad about the place.

"Well," said the demon, "the kegs all have holes in
the bottoms, and the blondes don't!" 

A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss 
sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but 
come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB 
radio to check if he's all right.

"I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!"

"Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says. 

"Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the 
dark."

"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull 
bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and 
squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt 
me!"

"Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in 
the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass 
off the road and come on home." 

"Okay, boss."

Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from 
the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the 
problem, son?"

"Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck."

"What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?"

"Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the 
truck."

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of
your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I 
wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad 
had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow 
plow and follow it".
Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She 
followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.
Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.
She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, 
to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with Wal-Mart; now you can 
follow me over to K-Mart."

A middle-aged guy and his date are making out hot and heavy in the movies 
when his toupee slides off. As he's groping around for it, his hand goes 
between her legs, up under her skirt, and lands on her twat.
She says, "That's it! That's it!"
He says, "It can't be. I part mine on the side." 

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