Today's jokes [5.7.09]

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An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the
nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died.
Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play
along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied.
Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home
with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said,
"Mr.Smith I thought you told me your penis died".
"It did" he replied; "today is the viewing"

    Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to
   the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands
   in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the
   green.
   Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the
   fairway and lands in the water trap.
   Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The
   old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over
   the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls
   into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth.As the
   fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and
   grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a
   lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the
   eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out
   of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
   Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop
   fooling around, we won't bring you next time."

The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband's um...
little sailor can't salute anymore. She goes to her local doctor
and explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for
her. The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says,
"listen, I don't do this for everyone, but since your husband's
on his way out...Get this prescription, and put three drops in his
milk before he goes to bed." The wife is very happy and thanks the
doc profusely. 

Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and asks how it went.
The lady blushes, smiles and says, "well I put thirty drops in his
milk by accident, and well, we just need an antidote now to close
the coffin." 

A boy and girl octopus out on a date walked down the street arm in arm in 
arm in arm...

A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the 
local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He 
decided to seek compensation for his ailment. 
Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is 
interviewed by an assessor.

Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish 
to claim compensation. 
Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick. 
Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to 
protect you from radiation poisoning? 
Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job. 
Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive? 
Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined. 
Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept? 
Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead. 
Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead 
suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept 
in a lead container. 
Trucker: Yeah, that’s right. All lead. 
Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for 
radiation poisoning. 
Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning.

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