Today's jokes [5.6.09]

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At the morning roll call at Fort Dix, the sergeant called out,
"Platoon, atten-HUT! Private Martinez, report to the office. Your 
brother died last night."
The Chaplain, Rabbi Horowitz, looked on in horror. "Sergeant," he said
afterwards, "that's a rather cruel and unfeeling way to break tragic 
news. We must be more gentle and less abrupt in the future,"
The sergeant shrugged. "Yes sir. I'll try to remember that." He didn't
look very convinced.
Several days later, a call came in about another family death. As the 
troops were assembling for roll call, the Chaplain stepped forward.
"Let me take this one, sergeant", he said. He turned toward the 
sleepy-looking soldiers and said, "Platoon, atten-HUT !" They came to 
attention. "Good morning, men!" he said. "Good morning, sir", they 
replied. "Men, today is Mother's Day, and I hope all of you will be 
calling home to send your moms a loving thought. In fact, all of you
who are fortunate enough to still have a mother who's alive and well, 
take two steps forward. Private Jones; not so fast!"

What do you say to a one legged hitch-hiker?

Hop in.

Two nuns go to a restaurant to have dinner. They notice Rocky
Mountain Oysters on the menu and wondered what that was.
They ask the waiter who replies "Oh Sister, those are nuts." 
She answers "Do you mean like the kind you crack with a rock?"
"No. The kind you rock on a crack." 

   A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it
   is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out
   the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was "now or
   never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a
   parking bay and runs into the mall. After a frantic search he finds a
   toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant.
   When asked what he would like, he simply says "a Barbie doll".
   The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending
   manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks "Which Barbie
   would that be, sir?" The man looks surprised so the assistant
   continues "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to
   the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie dates
   BaddTeddy for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes
   Night Clubbing for $19.95, Cyber Barbie for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie
   for $265.00" The man can't help himself and asks "why is Divorced
   Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?"
   "That's obvious!" says the assistant, "Divorced Barbie comes with
   Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....

A man takes his sick dog to the vet. The vet lifts the dog onto
the the operating table, looks down and says "Say ahhhhhhhhhhh!"
The man looks at the vet and says "The dog can't speak".
The vet says to the man "I was talking to YOU. The dog,s dead!!!

Sent by Peter 

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