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Today's jokes [5.3.09]

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I used to not get on with my mother-in-law, but over the last few months 
I've developed quite an attachment for her.
It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her 
mouth shut! 


   There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual
   disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder
   clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and
   the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there
   in the hallway.
   "What condition does he have?" the student asks.
   "He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he
   doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass
   into a coma."
   The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall.
   As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around
   his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.
   "What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"
   "Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a
   better health plan."


Do you know why the baby Jesus wasn't born in Iowa?
     They couldn't find three wise men!!!

Sent by Spencer


Q. What do you call a Marine with an IQ of 160?

A. Platoon


How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix,
empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe,
humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug,
coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate,
nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply,
accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm,
lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate,
attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend,
coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize,
detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace,
accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead,
borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch,
crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for,
dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine,
cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate,
enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite,
taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on
the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey,
hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if
I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize,
humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free
world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble,
drip, dry, knead, puree, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate,
indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and
worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

                           How to Satisfy a Man Every Time

Show up naked.


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